Circumnavigation: Nudges and Shoves

This is dedicated to everyone who feels overwhelmed, exhausted and a bit off kilter. Does this sound familiar? If so, deep breath and take time, as much time as you need.  Convalesce and retreat when needed. Jump in full throttle when you feel up to it. You be you my friend.

The Laden

A tickle, an itch, almost a dull ache- it hummed deep inside. At times a nudge. At times a shove. Reminder imminent, always imminent. Today, I start to type, slowly an idea comes to fruition and letters combine into words, words into sentences, etc. 

Writing has always been a release for me, a catharsis, rebirth. But for weeks I’ve been blinded by concern, responsibility, and plain ol’ doubt and hesitancy. 

I guess even the tap on the shoulder from my inner wordsmith, couldn’t harness me from my mental wandering. I observed, listened and documented. Being a documentarian rather than a writer. Nothing above the fold.

I scribbled, scripted and reported in my journal. Notes more definitional than expository. I just didn’t feel the passion I usually do for prose. Too many ideas floating, circling the drain and just as I noticed them- they swirled away. 

News reports and gas prices, wars and fires- they pulled my focus from the expressive reflection. Like the ideas that have been ebbing and flowing, searching and undulating, I was floating between self-reflection and apprehension. I have been circumnavigating calm, focused thoughts. 

Nothing specific. If someone asked me “Why so glum?” I wouldn’t have an answer. There is no pinpoint, no determinate. I am simply hovering, board stiff, air thick- waiting for solid ground. Am I sad, no. Am I anxious or melancholy, no. It is a strange, grainy malaise that can’t seem to dissipate. 

It is chilly and prickly, like the dense fog of my favorite city. A scoop of gloom, minus the doleful pensivity. Just a tickle, itch, dull-ache that hums deep inside. Today the nudge became a shove. Reminder befallen. Keys clicking- I write.

This morning amidst the traffic laden pathways of my creativity, it appeared. A bypass. My inner compass started to twirl and I skirted the befuddle and addle, finally immersing beneath the clouds into sunshine. 

A landscape not envisioned for these last few months. The sharpness and precision were breathtaking. This morning, sitting in my classroom, watching my students collaborate and engage- created a platform for my mind to readjust and reorient. 

The Rejig

When clarity arrives it can be with confetti and cheers, or it can creep in like a warm draft. Mine tiptoed in like a long lost thought. A collision of consciousness and cynosure. Suddenly it was here, wriggling and empowered. 

It felt entitled, accustomed to being front and center. I’ll admit it felt a bit betrayed, abandoned. So it took a few minutes to make it feel welcomed. Then it made known its habitual stance, redirecting my frame of mind into an overdrive, very much missed. 

The hazy interference, static popping and echo waned. 

My diversion abated, I was now able to see the little things I’ve been missing in my day to day routine- curiosity, eagerness and hope. Past tense switched to present tense. A simplicity of certainty. 

I now see the shapes and flexibility of interaction. I hear the conversations around me- and for the first time in a long time- I want to converse. 

I want to schmooze and I am not a conversationalist. Words emerge both verbally and calligraphy.

I tend to stay in my own head, but with the cobwebs, free and clear and the spring flowers blooming, I am unexpectedly sprightly. Positivity snuck in alongside my clarity. Approach unnoticed at first. It feels good.

The draft became a gust- bringing a smile to my face. Students giggling, making stop-motion videos. Drawing stories on whiteboards- their creativity blossoming. It reminds me that optimism is apace with uncertainty. Resiliency is closeby. Hope, in and of itself, is resilient, even when we ignore its tug.

Shamble, straggle and stumble. Emotions cause some to vent in unpredictable ways. Overt frustration, or quiet discontent is rampant. It is heavy in the air, and unfortunately it is expanding. It is condensing, forming the misty disillusionment most of us feel in the background. 

The white noise that follows us. The nudge, the itch, the tickle in our throat, reminding us that the dust is still settling. Not sadness or melancholy- just a sandy film. Yet, it can cover our path, leading us deeper into the duster. 

The cloudiness is temporary, if we listen carefully, we can avoid the quicksand.

There is hope found in isolation. Beneath the grains, abrasion. Leaving behind a fresh layer of insight. It feels discombobulating while the granules are blinding, but after the funnel, after the dust devil settles- the clarity can be heard, knocking on the door. 

The itch, the tickle, the ache slowly subsided for me. Hope has entered and movement regained. Sand castles and buckets. Sunshine and beach towels bright with springtime color. The once monotone field of view has begun to go Kodachrome. Hue, glow and aspect not creeping in like a warm draft, but exploding with confetti and cheer.

If recent times have taught me anything, they have taught me to embrace the dust devils and sudden blindness. To blink. To rest. To rejuvenate and convalesce. To get outdoors, to get away, to read and relax. To not take on the weight of the world. To not bury myself in the sand for too long.

It has also taught me that waiting for inspiration is allowed. 

Also, expectations are generally laid upon us by ourselves. That mental health is as important as physical well-being. It is a time frame unique to each of us. Positivity and optimism is not a law. We are not required to be happy all the time. Respectful, yes. Growth-oriented and motivated, hopefully. 

But, we all need a break, when we need a break. So take it.

For after a respite, you just might find eagerness, hope and resilience have always accompanied you down your individual path. Let the draft enter with a gentle creep, or a cheerful, confetti filled celebration. But welcome it when it feels like the right time. But also, approve the down-time. The quiet, withdrawn vacation space for mental rejuvenation.

I wish you time to find your positivity and optimism. But also the time to feel negative and melancholy. For both are so intertwined in our navigation. Trying to circumnavigate either is not healthy. Embrace your emotions. They hold your truth.

I wish you physical and mental health, however they feel and materialize for you. You are brave, tenacious and beautiful- you be you.