At Least, If Only

It's a strange time, so many public events are out of our control. Grocery shopping, doctors office visits, teaching. Devastating events are now daily occurrences. Reminders of our fragility. Reminders to be cautious. We can't prepare- not really. We can discuss and be proactive. We can be observant. But, in the end, we can only stay vigilant. For the wave of angst, unhappiness and violence can occur anywhere.

These days I always seem to be looking out for calamity. Checking the lock on my classroom door. Listening for any weird noises in the hallways. Watching reactions and behaviors of those near me. I want to stay positive and trust strangers, but I have found, I just don't anymore. I took for granted that people are inherently good. This is not to say that most people are not good people- for I know this to be true. 

But, I used to walk around, believing those around me were. I never really felt unsafe. Now that I am more observant I see the rudeness in behaviors. I hear the outbursts and temper tantrums that I used to walk away from. They are all more frequent now and more brazen. The energy is heavy.

I have always scanned the fuselage upon getting on an airplane and counted the rows back and front to the emergency exits. I have always paused at a red light in anticipation of the speedy traveler late for work. But these days, I have found myself scanning and pausing more- and I am more focused on those around me. Scanning the aisle at the grocery store, looking at exterior doors making sure they aren't propped open. I find I am avoiding large venues and crowds- not because of Covid 19, but because of the heaviness in the air. I prefer to be home these days, more than usual.

At least and if only. Two regrets we carry around with us. Shaping our decisions based on past experiences. 

I do not want to carry these around after my safety or the safety of my students, family or friends was put front and center. I want to use them as a defense- reminding myself to stay vigilant. I still go out. Not necessarily to the movie theater- a dark room, strangers. But I do shop and I am teaching summer school for a week. I am not homebound. But I do weigh things a lot more. I make choices I would not have considered before. I find myself erring on the side of caution. This is good, as long as I don't let it keep me from doing things, enjoying life.

I have a mind full of caution. I envision calamity and try desperately to avoid it. But, I know ultimately I can not prevent it. I can plan, be observant, take all precautions- but when and where devastation occurs is not in my control. The uneasiness is hefty some days but I push through it. I smile and have fun. I interact and live my life. I am coping, but it is a daily struggle sometimes to focus on more positive things.

Most people would not know this weary is circling me. Most days feel normal- in the sense I am doing what I usually do. I am out in the world as I have always been. I think most of us are all surrounded by this pause, this scanning impulse. I think it has had me in dark places as of late- fearful and hesitant. I am writing about it now, after months of not writing because I think I need to disperse the energy. It feels like a release of sorts- in order to allow me to focus on other things.

I am sending everyone out there feeling the same heaviness- a hug. I hope you all stay safe. That you enjoy your summer. That you listen to your instincts and stay active and aware.

Thank you for reading this blog, my first in months and hopefully the first of a new flow of energy, a new zone of words that I can articulate in a post. 

I am now teaching high school, same school -a new adventure. I hope to have new insights into moving from middle school to high school to share. I am helping with peer mediation and leadership now at my school, as well, and I hope to share my stories with this new experience as well. So new insights, new adventures are upon me. 

I have felt quiet lately, stifled. Like I really didn't have anything of interest to share. But now my voice, my stories are finding the letters, words and images necessary to make sense. They are finding sentences and paragraphs- thank goodness. I am feeling more articulate. So more blogs to come my friends.