Where is My Mind, My Name is Human (2)

Where is my mind? Where it has always been. It gets clouded sometimes. Words get trapped in its folds. It takes time for me to unravel the barrage of notes, melodies, harmonies. The ultimate piece is just out of reach- I tend to get a chorus or just a ditty. But my mind is my mind and for once it is just going to speak.

Okay so here is a bitter truth. Many days I am happy, content. Seriously I am. I preach mindfulness and not to just seem positive. It’s not a brand, I promise. I firmly live in the realm of mindfulness. Plant my feet in its soil every day. I drink it in every day. Sometimes it sprinkles, sometimes it pours. But it is always there. It’s not just a word or behavior to me, it’s a spirit, the comfortable blanket I wrap myself in every day. Honestly, I am a positive person, I see the good in people, yet, I also internalize way more than I should. I am only human after all.

It seems unlikely right? Bitter truth, its likely. Mindfulness is here in my mind.

Before I put my feet on the floor in the morning, I hang them off the side of the mattress, let them dangle for a while and then I say my intentions for the day. Usually three, I like a set of three, seems doable, with a little push to stretch myself for the day. Its human nature to set goals, make lists, organize our lives into something manageable- a guidebook, it’s human nature. My intentions are always positive. Then my do-over is something I need to work on like- forgive that comment you are dredging up every five minutes, seriously let it go. Yes, my mindfulness sometimes has a storm- its trying to keep it internal that keeps me mindful.

My morning intentions can be simple- smile, breathe. They can be specific- connect with a certain student today, eye contact and a positive affirmation. They can be lofty- be a moment of joy for someone, be a good friend today. Lofty because, maybe friendship with me is never going to happen. I am I have been told, a fast talker, kind of exhausting. This put me in a tail- spin for days. Now when I am around this person, I am no longer myself, I talk slower, more focused on my cadence than my words.

It’s something I have to work on- not them. Impression is personal and no matter what we do, it’s not for us to change. But, when we know about them, they shape us. They alter our perceptions of ourselves. It’s human nature. My intentions have thus altered a bit, they are more focused on what I can do, not on their impact on others.

Bringing joy to someone’s life can be lofty for many reasons: people may not want joy, maybe their day requires they get up in the morning and walk around in a cloud of Sulphur. Who am I to judge? Yet, it is my nature, Melissa’s nature to spread mindfulness, often to the chagrin of those around me. Maybe they are dealing with something they are not ready to share. Sometimes leaving someone alone can bring joy. This I have to work on- finding the balance between trying to help by a smile and conversation or just a smile. Bitter truth, not everyone likes me.

Some days though, I am just not in a positive mood. I hold a grudge, I am focused on something that went wrong, a negative comment. I am restless, eager for change and I feel trapped in the mundane. Most days I don’t mind the mundane- it’s the ritual, the routine that keeps my mind focused.

However, I tend to ‘burn the candle at both ends’ I was reminded of this by a colleague just yesterday. I struggle with saying no. To reign in my regiment of trying new things, taking risks, the need to innovate. Here is the bitter truth, I need the approval of my work, the recognition of a job well done, the acknowledgement of my time. When I don’t, I feel bad about myself. I feel slighted somehow. Insane right? Actually, in the scheme of things, its human nature.

The thing about me though, I bounce back really fast. I feel frustrated for a bit but then I quickly see a new opportunity to get creative. Another bitter truth, I venture so far outside my comfort zone, I lose my way back. The thing is a comfort zone is there for a reason. Not to fence in, but to provide the shape of the foundation, to wind with our whims and spontaneity.

It is not a box, but a wall we can leap over, because without the barrier, we often feel we haven’t earned freedom. It generally does not lead us to somewhere we don’t need to be. In fact, its graffiti ravished interior of past failures, future possibilities are not advertisements, not reminders, but predictions. All it takes is for us to jump over. Its human nature to want to feel safe, yet long for something bigger.

With a name comes an ambiance and aura that creates a self-image. I have a name it is nothing special. I mean I like my name, but it’s not unique to me. I searched it on Google and records indicate that 745,408 girls in the United States have been named Melissa since 1880. Now in the scheme of things, with over 7 billion people on the planet, it’s kind of unique, but it is a name given, not chosen. I have a species name. I have a title, a profession, a role. I even have a sense of self, purpose. But ultimately, in the scheme of life, reality- my name is human.

When we can peel back the layers, that is what we are- human.

We need not feel guilty of feeling bad about ourselves, comparing ourselves, hiding ourselves. We need not feel ashamed of our need for connection, appreciation, acceptance. We need to share our feelings because when we hold them in, the pressure starts to crumble that wall. Then, we spend all of our time rebuilding rather than forming relationships.

The basic human need is companionship, camaraderie, community. Yet, ultimately personal growth, personal compassion, personal whimsy and personal joy is the glue. Sometimes, being human, we put all our energy in how they see us, not how we see ourselves. We mold and conform to an image they stamped on the outside of our wall and ignore the beautiful graffiti our lives have left for us to admire.

It is not selfish to focus on you. Do what you need. Feel what you need to feel. Awareness is the cement structuring mindfulness, allowing it to grow higher, stronger. We need a view on which to gaze upon. We need to know ourselves in the larger human nature, we find ourselves in. We need the fortification, the draw bridge. The temple, the garden, the isolation.

But we also need the music of life, the laughter and optimism that awaits us when we collide with the orbits of others. Just remember an orbit is personal, a solar system has those who orbit beside you, help hold you in place. Ultimately a galaxy, however endless it may seem, is the main celestial home of humanity. Find those you collide with and keep your orbit steady- that is true human nature. I don’t know about you- but my true name is human.

Where is my mind? Right here, a cloudless day. Very shiny indeed.

This post dedicated to you HJG. A cloudless day every day for me.