There are somethings, I am very aware of- I notice them instantly and then I can combat them quickly. My mindfulness strategies work more than they don't.
There are things about myself I need to work on. Acceptance of my faults is a characteristic I have strengthened over the years. But, accepting a compliment is still very hard for me.
There are things I am good at. Things I am not good at and avoid. But, there are also those things I know I need to focus on, to better myself. I get distracted, even lazy, and fall back into old habits. But, I am also looking inward, a lot.
I know I can't be perfectly mindful all the time. I know in my mind, I judge. I misunderstand, I am quick to dismiss things if they frustrate me or are not instantly relevant. I do not like decisions to be made for me.
I am far more patient with my students than my peers. They seem to understand me better. Appreciate me. I feel lost with my colleagues- I feel I do not have a voice. Solitary confinement. I visit and they are in conversation. I am rarely included. An after thought.
I received an award- not from my peers, but from the PTA, parents and educators who know of me- my dedication, my science classes, my mindfulness lessons. They hear things about me from students and parents. They saw something- often unnoticeable by those around me.
This award was mentioned, not emphasized. Later in the month there will be a ceremony. But, at my school it was glossed over. Most recognition is. But, in my heart this award means more than any other because it is not a popularity award, but a teaching one. Acceptance.
Subtlety escapes me. It bypasses most of us- who rarely receive acknowledgement. I know though on the night- a night of many, I will feel connected to other educators in my district who push the limits and help students reach their full potential. I am honored, humbled and in awe that a committee, a group of people in my district, said my name and felt the need to recognize me.
Noticeable changes only happen with focus. Focusing on my words, my interactions, my relationships with students- my strengths, is so important now. If I remain aware- I must make noticeable changes.
I must accept that solitary confinement is a little bit preferred. Meditation during the day is part of my routine and having my space allows me to do it. Sometimes when you choose to be alone- others stay away even when you do not want them to. Accept the subtle. Accept the choices.
There are somethings about myself I need to work on- my communication skills. I get nervous talking to other people- I need to talk to other people. I sometimes stay silent and choices are made for me- rather than with me. They might not ask when they should, but I might not get ahead of the decision either.
Half the battle- dealing with other people is a battle. I stay in my head most of the time. It's easier that way. I have a voice though, an audible one and I need to use it. Mindfulness does not just apply to how you treat others but also how you see and believe in yourself. How you respect yourself- how you listen to yourself.
Noticeable change is on the horizon. People are noticing- recognizing- aware. This is my battle cry.
Friday, January 31, 2020
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Educational Evolution: The Inevitable March Forward (29)
Ancestry and Action
There is a common ancestry within our societal, technological and educational evolution as humans. There was a bright idea, a movement, a revolution, that spawned ingenuity and progress. Before there was electricity, people knew there was a way to harness energy and create a safer way to light our homes, other than candles and lanterns. It took a mindset, a drive to move forward, invent, accelerate our society. It took a dream, science and a deep passion to march into the future, in control of our destiny. It took patience and insight.
Change comes in punctuated equilibrium, blasts and bursts, but also in slow, incremental moves. Either way its progress, its evolution, its transformation. Nature, science, technology, humanity- we are all in an inevitable march forward. No matter how random these changes and expansions may seem, they connect somehow. They intertwine and bring about a web-like growth, we often don't see.
What we tend to see is the punctuation- the loud, boisterous maturations that headline the news. Sometimes they feel organic, inevitable - but no matter the fluidity, they start with a spark. A spark of creativity, vision, acumen. A communal divination so to speak. When this happens the wavelength becomes a wave expanse and the movement begins. It starts with a vibration- a Tweet, Post or two. Then it becomes a fluctuation- A chat, news story, mob of protesters. Then it evolves into a rebellion, a cause- a public recognition of what we need to do better, how we can be better.
Education Evolution
Credit for our modern version of the school system usually goes to Horace Mann. When he became Secretary of Education in Massachusetts in 1837, he set forth his vision for a system of professional teachers who would teach students an organized curriculum of basic content. Basic content, but it had to be based around familial need as well, children could learn but were also expected to help out on the farm as well. Then there was a shift.
Personal Progression
I started teaching because I grew up in an education bubble, in schools where discipline overpowered creativity and individuality. Where teachers lectured and students sat quietly in desks, facing forward- listening and absorbing the best they could. We did not have brain breaks, collaborative- purposeful talk, or makerspaces. It was a different time.
Did I learn? Yes. Did I engage? Sometimes. Do I really remember anything specific I was taught in school? Not really. I did synthesize facts, but not really details. Then as an adult I used the details from college to create my scaffolding for processing the real world. My love of science came from college. My love of reading came from college. My love of learning came from college.
I became a teacher because I wanted the love of science, the love of reading and the love of learning to happen for my students in middle school. I wanted to create an atmosphere of try new things, fail, grow, engage, talk, interact and actively process new ideas. To have fun while learning. To not just create a space for science but one that embodies mindfulness as well. To make sure that as much science was swirling around us- kindness, awareness and confidence was the glue that held us together as a community.
Evolution is inevitable. Are you on board? Join the rebellion. Be that teacher- the one they remember long into college and look back and say- I remember the content and the person. I have taken this memory with me- and it has made me, above all else, a reasoning, mindful, thinker and for this I am grateful.
There is a common ancestry within our societal, technological and educational evolution as humans. There was a bright idea, a movement, a revolution, that spawned ingenuity and progress. Before there was electricity, people knew there was a way to harness energy and create a safer way to light our homes, other than candles and lanterns. It took a mindset, a drive to move forward, invent, accelerate our society. It took a dream, science and a deep passion to march into the future, in control of our destiny. It took patience and insight.
Change comes in punctuated equilibrium, blasts and bursts, but also in slow, incremental moves. Either way its progress, its evolution, its transformation. Nature, science, technology, humanity- we are all in an inevitable march forward. No matter how random these changes and expansions may seem, they connect somehow. They intertwine and bring about a web-like growth, we often don't see.
What we tend to see is the punctuation- the loud, boisterous maturations that headline the news. Sometimes they feel organic, inevitable - but no matter the fluidity, they start with a spark. A spark of creativity, vision, acumen. A communal divination so to speak. When this happens the wavelength becomes a wave expanse and the movement begins. It starts with a vibration- a Tweet, Post or two. Then it becomes a fluctuation- A chat, news story, mob of protesters. Then it evolves into a rebellion, a cause- a public recognition of what we need to do better, how we can be better.
Education Evolution
Credit for our modern version of the school system usually goes to Horace Mann. When he became Secretary of Education in Massachusetts in 1837, he set forth his vision for a system of professional teachers who would teach students an organized curriculum of basic content. Basic content, but it had to be based around familial need as well, children could learn but were also expected to help out on the farm as well. Then there was a shift.
Public schools in the US
were created to educate
“the masses” and make them into better workers and better citizens. There were
problems of masses of uneducated young people who were rough and tumble, those who did not fit the social acceptability of behavior and intelligence. They wanted to socialize children into becoming respectful and prepared for life. They were focused on creating good citizens, not necessarily ones that could reason and think for themselves.
By 1900, 31 states had compulsory education for 8-12 year olds. It became a way of life for children to attend school. Yet, they remained in rows, facing forward- very little time to socialize except at recess, under penalty of harsh discipline. We have all seen the stereotypical teachers of the 19th and 20th centuries. School marms or strict head masters. But eventually it changed again. High school became the norm after primary school and children were staying in school longer and learning more subjects other than the "three R's."
Finally, classrooms started breaking away from the pack and new designs and set ups emerged, new curriculum was born, new strategies were put into place and eventually- teachers began to get creative. They started teaching in new ways- letting students 'do'. Choose their own way of demonstrating their knowledge. Students could choose how they learn best and how they prefer to take notes and how they need to have information presented to them. Students now had options.
Teachers started letting students collaborate. They began to teach students how to teach themselves, how to think for themselves. They took a step away from the sage on the stage to more of a facilitator role. Desks were flexible, pacing was flexible as long as the curriculum was presented. Students and teachers began to collaborate and plan together. This opened up a new world, popping the bubble of old school education, in its wake.
Teachers started letting students collaborate. They began to teach students how to teach themselves, how to think for themselves. They took a step away from the sage on the stage to more of a facilitator role. Desks were flexible, pacing was flexible as long as the curriculum was presented. Students and teachers began to collaborate and plan together. This opened up a new world, popping the bubble of old school education, in its wake.
Where do we go from here? What is the next educational evolution? This is what I dream, I believe, I recognize as our next push ahead. I know for me- this is my inevitable march forward. A classroom where every day, mindfulness is discussed and emphasized. Where positive speak is the norm. Where students are challenged and pushed just beyond their comfort zones, as to get them excited about failure- knowing they can try and try again until they get it.
A classroom where every one can speak their mind, respectfully. Where no one feels bullied, unheard or like they are not the smartest person in the room. Confidence is key and mindfulness the lock. If we balance the two- there will not be arrogance or self-centered behavior-there will be trust, admiration and cooperation. No one will be left behind, because it will not just be me, on the lookout with an emergency kit, but everyone will have binoculars and triage experience.
If we teach students to reason and think for themselves they will be confident learners. If we give them situations to test this resolve- they will build endurance and determination. If we allow them to struggle- step back and let them struggle, they will grow because they will know they can do it. If we let them talk, work together- urge each other to keep up and excel- they will do so from peer pressure alone. Peer pressure is not a bad thing. It keeps us motivated. If we scaffold learning with bravery and persistence- they will meet our expectations.
There is a constant backlash against education -"It is failing our children." Education itself is a very vast empire of kings and rulers- deciding the fate of many. But it is forged and strengthened by the masses- the under dogs, the worker bees, the commoners- us educators that know the inner workings of a classroom. Us rank and file that no longer wear the uniforms of an army outdated. We are the voice of the new generation of education. We are the true leaders of the inevitable march forward.
Personal Progression
I started teaching because I grew up in an education bubble, in schools where discipline overpowered creativity and individuality. Where teachers lectured and students sat quietly in desks, facing forward- listening and absorbing the best they could. We did not have brain breaks, collaborative- purposeful talk, or makerspaces. It was a different time.
Did I learn? Yes. Did I engage? Sometimes. Do I really remember anything specific I was taught in school? Not really. I did synthesize facts, but not really details. Then as an adult I used the details from college to create my scaffolding for processing the real world. My love of science came from college. My love of reading came from college. My love of learning came from college.
I became a teacher because I wanted the love of science, the love of reading and the love of learning to happen for my students in middle school. I wanted to create an atmosphere of try new things, fail, grow, engage, talk, interact and actively process new ideas. To have fun while learning. To not just create a space for science but one that embodies mindfulness as well. To make sure that as much science was swirling around us- kindness, awareness and confidence was the glue that held us together as a community.
Evolution is inevitable. Are you on board? Join the rebellion. Be that teacher- the one they remember long into college and look back and say- I remember the content and the person. I have taken this memory with me- and it has made me, above all else, a reasoning, mindful, thinker and for this I am grateful.
Monday, January 27, 2020
Thanks for the Feedback (27)
Saying thank you goes a long way. Saying please does too. It is amazing what a little generosity of spirit does for someone else's day. Today in my class we talked about, in our mindfulness lesson, Why are people rude? How can we not be rude in return? What can we do to combat this vicious cycle of negativity.
Students did a great job explaining all the reasons why people may behave rudely:
1- To get some power in a situation
2-Because they feel insecure
3-Because something made them angry
4- Because they are sad
5- Someone was rude to them earlier and they are venting
6- They have a bad attitude
The list goes on and on.
Then we discussed how we can not feed our angry wolf. How we can respond not react. How we can send out into the world positivity rather than negativity:
1- Smile
2- Say something positive no matter what
"I am sorry you are having a bad day, how can I help?"
3- Pause before you speak
4- Think before you react
5-Reaction is full of emotion- Response is more calm (respond not react)
6- Try to understand why- why they are reacting the way they are
If we look for feedback, from ourselves, we will see such beautiful things. We will recognize our level of compassion and we will become kinder, more present and more faithful to humanity and our behavior towards one another.
Always say thank you for the feedback. Let others know you are listening.
Students did a great job explaining all the reasons why people may behave rudely:
1- To get some power in a situation
2-Because they feel insecure
3-Because something made them angry
4- Because they are sad
5- Someone was rude to them earlier and they are venting
6- They have a bad attitude
The list goes on and on.
Then we discussed how we can not feed our angry wolf. How we can respond not react. How we can send out into the world positivity rather than negativity:
1- Smile
2- Say something positive no matter what
"I am sorry you are having a bad day, how can I help?"
3- Pause before you speak
4- Think before you react
5-Reaction is full of emotion- Response is more calm (respond not react)
6- Try to understand why- why they are reacting the way they are
If we look for feedback, from ourselves, we will see such beautiful things. We will recognize our level of compassion and we will become kinder, more present and more faithful to humanity and our behavior towards one another.
Always say thank you for the feedback. Let others know you are listening.
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Be What You Can Imagine: Incremental Headway - Part One (25)
Be what you can imagine. It is a combination of what you are and what you can be. A chaotic vibration of bonding and deterioration. This image of ourselves, designed by sheer will and experience- it is fantastical. It is miraculous. Energy and matter working in tandem. Atoms combining, joining forces, splitting apart, faster than our minds can even make sense of.
We can't even truly imagine what we can be. It's like looking into the abyss. We only see what we once were, in memories both faulty and fictional. We only remember what our brains have sliced together from the ether. Like editing a movie of our lives. We can postulate, debate and ponder- but ultimately, we can never know for sure, because as we have the thought, conjure the image, we have already changed. Our mental atoms have already rearranged. The ether forever in a state of rupture, rapture and reconstruction.
Our imaginations, vast, hold certain ideals on which we design and build the image of ourselves. We can only be what we can imagine. Which is a lot. The bombardment of magic and faith help us see endless combinations of opportunity and circumstance. Sometimes we see fantastical events full of mystery and suspense- we want to reside in a place of excitement. We want to live in a world of whimsy and wonder where anything can happen.
Yet, we do not know any wizards or mages to cast spells of luck and fortune. We only know the incantations of our own mind speak. These we repeat like a spiritual cadence. "Let me get what I want, let me find a way to make this happen, let me find the strength to overcome, endure, succeed." We believe if we say it enough, the universe will make it happen.
We often live in a world of pure imagination because it is more comfortable there. But we need to inhabit an environment in which we see what we need and get clarity on how to move towards it. Where we have the persistence and tenacity to achieve it. This energy like all energy is never created nor destroyed. It might alter course, to push along a separate idea, but eventually it will return with fervor and a new purpose.
Not all magic is successful. Spells are cast that fall flat- never reaching their intended destination. We lose focus. The distractions of normalcy and routine veer us. But even normalcy and routine carry with them a spark to ignite a new combustion of thought and action. Sometimes it takes the extreme, the unexpected, a jolt of reason to illuminate ingenuity. Creativity does not always find us- no matter how many charms and conjuring spells we put out into the universe.
We don't always get our wish. We don't always find what we are looking for. But if we clear our minds and remember to say our mantra frequently- maybe we will engage with incremental headway. Frequently and faithfully we must believe that what we imagine can in someway become an opportunity. We might not fly to the moon, but we might see our situation from another angle, a new view might just be what we need to land far from where we reside.
Perception rolls are important. When we connect with the ether, let the energy and spirit of opportunity and possibility, change the odds, the world opens itself up to us a little bit more.
We can't even truly imagine what we can be. It's like looking into the abyss. We only see what we once were, in memories both faulty and fictional. We only remember what our brains have sliced together from the ether. Like editing a movie of our lives. We can postulate, debate and ponder- but ultimately, we can never know for sure, because as we have the thought, conjure the image, we have already changed. Our mental atoms have already rearranged. The ether forever in a state of rupture, rapture and reconstruction.
Our imaginations, vast, hold certain ideals on which we design and build the image of ourselves. We can only be what we can imagine. Which is a lot. The bombardment of magic and faith help us see endless combinations of opportunity and circumstance. Sometimes we see fantastical events full of mystery and suspense- we want to reside in a place of excitement. We want to live in a world of whimsy and wonder where anything can happen.
Yet, we do not know any wizards or mages to cast spells of luck and fortune. We only know the incantations of our own mind speak. These we repeat like a spiritual cadence. "Let me get what I want, let me find a way to make this happen, let me find the strength to overcome, endure, succeed." We believe if we say it enough, the universe will make it happen.
We often live in a world of pure imagination because it is more comfortable there. But we need to inhabit an environment in which we see what we need and get clarity on how to move towards it. Where we have the persistence and tenacity to achieve it. This energy like all energy is never created nor destroyed. It might alter course, to push along a separate idea, but eventually it will return with fervor and a new purpose.
Not all magic is successful. Spells are cast that fall flat- never reaching their intended destination. We lose focus. The distractions of normalcy and routine veer us. But even normalcy and routine carry with them a spark to ignite a new combustion of thought and action. Sometimes it takes the extreme, the unexpected, a jolt of reason to illuminate ingenuity. Creativity does not always find us- no matter how many charms and conjuring spells we put out into the universe.
We don't always get our wish. We don't always find what we are looking for. But if we clear our minds and remember to say our mantra frequently- maybe we will engage with incremental headway. Frequently and faithfully we must believe that what we imagine can in someway become an opportunity. We might not fly to the moon, but we might see our situation from another angle, a new view might just be what we need to land far from where we reside.
Perception rolls are important. When we connect with the ether, let the energy and spirit of opportunity and possibility, change the odds, the world opens itself up to us a little bit more.
Thursday, January 23, 2020
The List, The Outcome Visual (23)
The List
A few months ago I spent a day just walking around my room, writing down every negative comment I heard students say. To themselves or to others. It turned out that after 6 class periods I had about 4 full pages of negative comments. This is what inspired the more formal lesson of S.T.O.M.P. Stand, Think, Optimize, Mindful, Presence.
I have always had a mindfulness component in my classroom, but after that day I knew I needed a more consistent, concise, collaborative strategy, that brought in community and personal reflection. Since that fateful day in September, I have been integrating mindfulness in almost every thing we do- warm-ups, brain breaks, ticket's out the door. Every day something about mindfulness and self-awareness.
Last week I decided to walk around the room of all my classes and make another list. This time of all the positive comments I heard students say to themselves or to someone else. At the end of the day I had about four full pages of comments. They ranged from thank you to I appreciate you being mindful right now because I know I was rude to you. Then the next day I walked down the hall during each class change and wrote down every positive and every negative comment I heard.
I expected them to lean towards the negative end of things and there were many negative comments, cussing and just plain mean behavior. But, as it turned out, it was about even with a little more positively than negatively. I noticed a lot of the positivity came from my students, past or present. But, there were so many smiles and moments of kindness, it warmed my heart.
The Outcome
The lists were eye opening. But, I had to take it further (I tend to do this a lot). The last three days I have been carrying a small pad around with me and I have been writing down every negative thing I think, or say aloud. One day I wrote down every positive thing I thought, the other every negative thing. The third day both- just keeping track of moments throughout the day where I might lean more negative or more positive.
I wanted to see if holding myself accountable for my thoughts and words would make me think less negatively or more positively. Behave differently maybe. I held very strict to my note taking. Generally an upwards arrow and a word or two like- So in so said a positive thing to me, or a downward arrow and a word or two like- fatigued after lunch or loudness in the hallway. Did my behavior or outlook change?
Are you on the edge of your seat? Drum roll....it did. Not only did I think differently, I caught myself in negative thoughts, I steered myself towards positive thoughts. I acted differently too, I smiled more and interacted more and just paid more attention to my actions and words. My posture, facial expressions and eye contact altered. I made sure to be specific with my compliments like- that was a great job because I really like how you used alliteration and onomatopoeia in your puppet show.
But above all else, it altered my perception of my surroundings and the actions of others. I saw not just the behavior, but the impetus for it. I heard rude comments, but rather than focusing on the words, I felt an understanding as to why they were angry enough to say them. Basically I remembered what it felt like to be a middle-schooler.
I remembered to redirect with words like- hey I know you might be stressed out today for some reason but let's remember to be mindful. I slowed down, took a beat and really paid attention to what was going on around me and I noticed a lot of things I usually am too busy to perceive. Students being nice to each other.
Visual
I am a visual learner. I need to write things down. Reflect in a journal. Write a blog. Words mean a lot to me- they are my musical notes, my brush strokes, my modeling clay. So I knew if I was going to make a difference, make myself more aware, hold myself more accountable, I needed to write it down. Not just for reflection but because if I write it down I internalize it, see my error in thinking, own it. So I can be better. More often than not, I do not speak negatively to people. But, I slip up when I am in a frenzy of self pity or exhaustion. I wrote it, I own it- self pity.
I tell students "There is no pity party, feel sad, feel hurt, even if you must feel angry, but let it go and move on." This I am pretty good at. It's the feel it part that often drags me down. I live in a world of self-doubt yet I have enough self-confidence that I bugger on. I need to work on the self-doubt part. So I have decided that the pad is going to be a permanent deal, for awhile at least. Until I am moving around in a space of "I got this." Rather than a space of "Well...maybe I got this." Because honestly, in the end, after the pity party and self-doubt- I generally got this.
Step one- be brutally honest with yourself- no one is listening.
Step two- reflect at the end of the day and in the morning, but more importantly- frequently throughout the day.
Step three- carry a pad around and write down your thoughts, every time you feel yourself getting dragged to the dark side- make a perception roll. Face your thoughts by writing them down.
Step four- accept that you will throw many pity parties- but you will throw more celebratory ones, especially if you keep track of the guest list.
A few months ago I spent a day just walking around my room, writing down every negative comment I heard students say. To themselves or to others. It turned out that after 6 class periods I had about 4 full pages of negative comments. This is what inspired the more formal lesson of S.T.O.M.P. Stand, Think, Optimize, Mindful, Presence.
I have always had a mindfulness component in my classroom, but after that day I knew I needed a more consistent, concise, collaborative strategy, that brought in community and personal reflection. Since that fateful day in September, I have been integrating mindfulness in almost every thing we do- warm-ups, brain breaks, ticket's out the door. Every day something about mindfulness and self-awareness.
Last week I decided to walk around the room of all my classes and make another list. This time of all the positive comments I heard students say to themselves or to someone else. At the end of the day I had about four full pages of comments. They ranged from thank you to I appreciate you being mindful right now because I know I was rude to you. Then the next day I walked down the hall during each class change and wrote down every positive and every negative comment I heard.
I expected them to lean towards the negative end of things and there were many negative comments, cussing and just plain mean behavior. But, as it turned out, it was about even with a little more positively than negatively. I noticed a lot of the positivity came from my students, past or present. But, there were so many smiles and moments of kindness, it warmed my heart.
The Outcome
The lists were eye opening. But, I had to take it further (I tend to do this a lot). The last three days I have been carrying a small pad around with me and I have been writing down every negative thing I think, or say aloud. One day I wrote down every positive thing I thought, the other every negative thing. The third day both- just keeping track of moments throughout the day where I might lean more negative or more positive.
I wanted to see if holding myself accountable for my thoughts and words would make me think less negatively or more positively. Behave differently maybe. I held very strict to my note taking. Generally an upwards arrow and a word or two like- So in so said a positive thing to me, or a downward arrow and a word or two like- fatigued after lunch or loudness in the hallway. Did my behavior or outlook change?
Are you on the edge of your seat? Drum roll....it did. Not only did I think differently, I caught myself in negative thoughts, I steered myself towards positive thoughts. I acted differently too, I smiled more and interacted more and just paid more attention to my actions and words. My posture, facial expressions and eye contact altered. I made sure to be specific with my compliments like- that was a great job because I really like how you used alliteration and onomatopoeia in your puppet show.
But above all else, it altered my perception of my surroundings and the actions of others. I saw not just the behavior, but the impetus for it. I heard rude comments, but rather than focusing on the words, I felt an understanding as to why they were angry enough to say them. Basically I remembered what it felt like to be a middle-schooler.
I remembered to redirect with words like- hey I know you might be stressed out today for some reason but let's remember to be mindful. I slowed down, took a beat and really paid attention to what was going on around me and I noticed a lot of things I usually am too busy to perceive. Students being nice to each other.
Visual
I am a visual learner. I need to write things down. Reflect in a journal. Write a blog. Words mean a lot to me- they are my musical notes, my brush strokes, my modeling clay. So I knew if I was going to make a difference, make myself more aware, hold myself more accountable, I needed to write it down. Not just for reflection but because if I write it down I internalize it, see my error in thinking, own it. So I can be better. More often than not, I do not speak negatively to people. But, I slip up when I am in a frenzy of self pity or exhaustion. I wrote it, I own it- self pity.
I tell students "There is no pity party, feel sad, feel hurt, even if you must feel angry, but let it go and move on." This I am pretty good at. It's the feel it part that often drags me down. I live in a world of self-doubt yet I have enough self-confidence that I bugger on. I need to work on the self-doubt part. So I have decided that the pad is going to be a permanent deal, for awhile at least. Until I am moving around in a space of "I got this." Rather than a space of "Well...maybe I got this." Because honestly, in the end, after the pity party and self-doubt- I generally got this.
Step one- be brutally honest with yourself- no one is listening.
Step two- reflect at the end of the day and in the morning, but more importantly- frequently throughout the day.
Step three- carry a pad around and write down your thoughts, every time you feel yourself getting dragged to the dark side- make a perception roll. Face your thoughts by writing them down.
Step four- accept that you will throw many pity parties- but you will throw more celebratory ones, especially if you keep track of the guest list.
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
The Truce of Common Sense vs. Personal Choice (21)
Sound practical judgement helps keep us safe. Helps us make the right decisions. It is our basic ability to reason, think things through. Common sense is defined as our awareness, intuition and readiness based on our experiences. Not everyone's astuteness is equal. Some of us are decisive and rational and others of us can be hesitant and doubtful.
Most of us fall in between- when we are confident and purposeful, we tend to be more perceptive and prudent. When we are stressed, frustrated or insecure, we often become divided, leaving things uncertain and wavering. But no matter our disposition our background, maturity and wisdom guide us, to our action and practicality.
"Don't let the wish be the father of the thought"
Is common sense common? Many believe it is not. The lack of it has lead us as a society, to make many an error in judgement. There is a lot of strife and indignation swirling throughout society. The reaction to this acrimony is as vast as the reasons why people are resentful and exasperated. Everyone has an opinion, point of view.
We all have traditions, histories and upbringings that have steered us into our frame of mind. We did not necessarily have personal choice in much of it. We grew up in a certain city or town, we were born into our families, we went to the schools we were zoned too. So, as a result, a lot of our personal choices were hindered and thus our common sense was shaped without our choice.
Yet somehow there is a truce between our common sense and personal choice. Rather than being at odds consistently, they seem to understand one another and work together as we become adults. Most of us accept the basis of our common sense: childhood, parental involvement, education and social interactions. We understand that as children we were divided from our personal choice in many situations, maybe for the better, maybe out of necessity and safety.
When we become a certain age our personal choices are slowly returned to us. When to go to college, when to go to sleep, what to eat, who to spend our time with and when. We leave the nest and when we do, our choices make their way home, adding to our responsibility, obligation- like an albatross. We feel more personal choice and we experience it, appreciate it, but with it comes, adulthood and this is a social contract. There are expectations.
Thus our common sense has to kick in, it has to equalize with our personal choice. It has to be a reminder to do the right thing, say the right thing, or there will be consequences. When we are adults we are held to a different standard. We are presumed, as adults, to be responsible, respectable, honorable. Yet, from our personal experiences, we know this not to be the case. Not every adult is. In fact many range from disrespectful to despicable. Cruel and arrogant. Biased and Self-centered. We have to have the common sense to navigate past them.
“Things do not change; we change.”― HWalden
With personal choice, comes responsibility and there are many people who do not make the right choices. Their common sense, their judgment, based on their experiences, is very different than our own. We might never understand their impetus. For us personally, however, we can recognize the truce between common sense and personal choice and accept that within us, we have nuance and depth- just as everyone else does.
“Don't find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain”―
Most of us fall in between- when we are confident and purposeful, we tend to be more perceptive and prudent. When we are stressed, frustrated or insecure, we often become divided, leaving things uncertain and wavering. But no matter our disposition our background, maturity and wisdom guide us, to our action and practicality.
"Don't let the wish be the father of the thought"
Is common sense common? Many believe it is not. The lack of it has lead us as a society, to make many an error in judgement. There is a lot of strife and indignation swirling throughout society. The reaction to this acrimony is as vast as the reasons why people are resentful and exasperated. Everyone has an opinion, point of view.
We all have traditions, histories and upbringings that have steered us into our frame of mind. We did not necessarily have personal choice in much of it. We grew up in a certain city or town, we were born into our families, we went to the schools we were zoned too. So, as a result, a lot of our personal choices were hindered and thus our common sense was shaped without our choice.
Yet somehow there is a truce between our common sense and personal choice. Rather than being at odds consistently, they seem to understand one another and work together as we become adults. Most of us accept the basis of our common sense: childhood, parental involvement, education and social interactions. We understand that as children we were divided from our personal choice in many situations, maybe for the better, maybe out of necessity and safety.
When we become a certain age our personal choices are slowly returned to us. When to go to college, when to go to sleep, what to eat, who to spend our time with and when. We leave the nest and when we do, our choices make their way home, adding to our responsibility, obligation- like an albatross. We feel more personal choice and we experience it, appreciate it, but with it comes, adulthood and this is a social contract. There are expectations.
Thus our common sense has to kick in, it has to equalize with our personal choice. It has to be a reminder to do the right thing, say the right thing, or there will be consequences. When we are adults we are held to a different standard. We are presumed, as adults, to be responsible, respectable, honorable. Yet, from our personal experiences, we know this not to be the case. Not every adult is. In fact many range from disrespectful to despicable. Cruel and arrogant. Biased and Self-centered. We have to have the common sense to navigate past them.
“Things do not change; we change.”― HWalden
With personal choice, comes responsibility and there are many people who do not make the right choices. Their common sense, their judgment, based on their experiences, is very different than our own. We might never understand their impetus. For us personally, however, we can recognize the truce between common sense and personal choice and accept that within us, we have nuance and depth- just as everyone else does.
“Don't find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain”―
Sunday, January 19, 2020
The Feeling Returns (19)
Me
This is how many people feel. It leads to anxiety and depression. For me it is rare because I tend to keep to myself. I am generally a happy person but I do not have many friends. I am an ambivert. Quiet most of the time and in some instances, when I decide to put myself out there, outgoing. But I tend to get the cold shoulder.
I guess I am better in small doses because I tend to not follow a logical path all the time and this is awkward. So most people tend to encounter with me briefly. Even when I am trying to make a friend, I generally end up alone like a wall flower. Thus this story is about a recent encounter- left me a bit defeated indeed.
Myself
I saw it in the mirror before I heard it, the collapse of spirit. It shown through in a facial expression, down turned lips, red cheeks, then a slow amassing tear and when it made its way down my cheek, I heard the sob. The sound so familiar, the chest shake so familiar. The thought so familiar "They hate me."
You would think I'd learn to cope with the loss of friendship, I have encountered it all my life. They talk to me briefly, then decide, in a moment or two, there is someone better nearby to talk to and they hightail it away in a sprint. They see someone near to be friends with, other than me. I see the moment, the split spark of self-preservation before they even know themselves.
This time, I choose to retreat, put my shield up- I can see that look. This gives them an opportunity to venture off without the awkward. I see them later, laughing and engaged in conversation with someone else. Another one of them. It has always been them and me. I can't compete because I do not know all the rules and the ones I do know, I can't seem to follow. So is this my fault?
They venture into my orbit out of necessity and boredom but leave out of guilt. The guilt that they don't want to get to know me. Because if they did- they would have to talk to me about more than grades, lessons and pacing guides.
Now I hear it before I see it. My inner voice whispers a warning. "Speak slow, concise- make eye contact." Then I see my face, a mental image of my flat pursed lips, eyes wandering and know they are going to 'not get me.' I try so hard sometimes- I create awkward and most people- don't like awkward. I stay, retreat in my mind to my safe place. I hate feeling like I don't belong, but I don't want them to know that.
This feeling takes me to a dark place- spit balls landing in my hair, snickers and sideways glances. You know when someone tolerates you. It's a constant tell- and I know all the tells. We know each other well. I just get angry at myself when I forget and invest my emotions- then this dark place takes hold and I fall under its spell.
I
"Hello my friend, welcome back. You made a fatal error tonight- you have to remember, Don't Try To Make friends- they never last"
I guess I am better not in person.
I am better in small doses.
I choose pen to paper rather than face to face interactions because I know I will feel this way after, if it is more than a casual conversation. My sanctuary is my isolation. My spectrum I guess.
Kids- they tend to like me just fine. I get along with most students. They sense it. They have the quirk too. Until they conform, until they lose it. The quirk, utter openness. Inhibitions curbed. I live this way and for many it is unnerving.
I want to fit in, desperately. But I never do. As an adult others seem to just tolerate me. I keep trying though. I am alone again. And that feeling returns- I feel it before I see it or hear it. A deep seeded sadness. But it is fleeting, because it is normal. It is a reminder to keep trying eventually someone will move past the awkward.
This is how many people feel. It leads to anxiety and depression. For me it is rare because I tend to keep to myself. I am generally a happy person but I do not have many friends. I am an ambivert. Quiet most of the time and in some instances, when I decide to put myself out there, outgoing. But I tend to get the cold shoulder.
I guess I am better in small doses because I tend to not follow a logical path all the time and this is awkward. So most people tend to encounter with me briefly. Even when I am trying to make a friend, I generally end up alone like a wall flower. Thus this story is about a recent encounter- left me a bit defeated indeed.
Myself
I saw it in the mirror before I heard it, the collapse of spirit. It shown through in a facial expression, down turned lips, red cheeks, then a slow amassing tear and when it made its way down my cheek, I heard the sob. The sound so familiar, the chest shake so familiar. The thought so familiar "They hate me."
You would think I'd learn to cope with the loss of friendship, I have encountered it all my life. They talk to me briefly, then decide, in a moment or two, there is someone better nearby to talk to and they hightail it away in a sprint. They see someone near to be friends with, other than me. I see the moment, the split spark of self-preservation before they even know themselves.
This time, I choose to retreat, put my shield up- I can see that look. This gives them an opportunity to venture off without the awkward. I see them later, laughing and engaged in conversation with someone else. Another one of them. It has always been them and me. I can't compete because I do not know all the rules and the ones I do know, I can't seem to follow. So is this my fault?
They venture into my orbit out of necessity and boredom but leave out of guilt. The guilt that they don't want to get to know me. Because if they did- they would have to talk to me about more than grades, lessons and pacing guides.
Now I hear it before I see it. My inner voice whispers a warning. "Speak slow, concise- make eye contact." Then I see my face, a mental image of my flat pursed lips, eyes wandering and know they are going to 'not get me.' I try so hard sometimes- I create awkward and most people- don't like awkward. I stay, retreat in my mind to my safe place. I hate feeling like I don't belong, but I don't want them to know that.
This feeling takes me to a dark place- spit balls landing in my hair, snickers and sideways glances. You know when someone tolerates you. It's a constant tell- and I know all the tells. We know each other well. I just get angry at myself when I forget and invest my emotions- then this dark place takes hold and I fall under its spell.
I
"Hello my friend, welcome back. You made a fatal error tonight- you have to remember, Don't Try To Make friends- they never last"
I guess I am better not in person.
I am better in small doses.
I choose pen to paper rather than face to face interactions because I know I will feel this way after, if it is more than a casual conversation. My sanctuary is my isolation. My spectrum I guess.
Kids- they tend to like me just fine. I get along with most students. They sense it. They have the quirk too. Until they conform, until they lose it. The quirk, utter openness. Inhibitions curbed. I live this way and for many it is unnerving.
I want to fit in, desperately. But I never do. As an adult others seem to just tolerate me. I keep trying though. I am alone again. And that feeling returns- I feel it before I see it or hear it. A deep seeded sadness. But it is fleeting, because it is normal. It is a reminder to keep trying eventually someone will move past the awkward.
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