Awareness is Half the Battle, Noticeable Changes Only Happen with Focus (31)

There are somethings, I am very aware of- I notice them instantly and then I can combat them quickly. My mindfulness strategies work more than they don't.

There are things about myself I need to work on. Acceptance of my faults is a characteristic I have strengthened over the years. But, accepting a compliment is still very hard for me.

There are things I am good at. Things I am not good at and avoid. But, there are also those things I know I need to focus on, to better myself. I get distracted, even lazy, and fall back into old habits. But, I am also looking inward, a lot.

I know I can't be perfectly mindful all the time. I know in my mind, I judge. I misunderstand, I am quick to dismiss things if they frustrate me or are not instantly relevant. I do not like decisions to be made for me.

I am far more patient with my students than my peers. They seem to understand me better. Appreciate me. I feel lost with my colleagues- I feel I do not have a voice. Solitary confinement. I visit and they are in conversation. I am rarely included. An after thought.

I received an award- not from my peers, but from the PTA, parents and educators who know of me- my dedication, my science classes, my mindfulness lessons. They hear things about me from students and parents. They saw something- often unnoticeable by those around me.

This award was mentioned, not emphasized. Later in the month there will be a ceremony. But, at my school it was glossed over. Most recognition is. But, in my heart this award means more than any other because it is not a popularity award, but a teaching one. Acceptance.

Subtlety escapes me. It bypasses most of us- who rarely receive acknowledgement. I know though on the night- a night of many, I will feel connected to other educators in my district who push the limits and help students reach their full potential. I am honored, humbled and in awe that a committee, a group of people in my district, said my name and felt the need to recognize me.

Noticeable changes only happen with focus. Focusing on my words, my interactions, my relationships with students- my strengths, is so important now. If I remain aware- I must make noticeable changes.

I must accept that solitary confinement is a little bit preferred. Meditation during the day is part of my routine and having my space allows me to do it. Sometimes when you choose to be alone- others stay away even when you do not want them to. Accept the subtle. Accept the choices.

There are somethings about myself I need to work on- my communication skills. I get nervous talking to other people- I need to talk to other people. I sometimes stay silent and choices are made for me- rather than with me. They might not ask when they should, but I might not get ahead of the decision either.

Half the battle- dealing with other people is a battle. I stay in my head most of the time. It's easier that way. I have a voice though, an audible one and I need to use it. Mindfulness does not just apply to how you treat others but also how you see and believe in yourself. How you respect yourself- how you listen to yourself.

Noticeable change is on the horizon. People are noticing- recognizing- aware. This is my battle cry.