Pursuit of Purpose (166)

Fits and starts. Acceleration and braking. 2020 has whittled down my brake pads- I am beginning to hear the squeaking. You know the one, every time you come to a red light or stop sign that loud, high-pitched whine of heat hitting metal. A constant reminder your vehicle needs to go to the mechanic. Then when you finally go, they hand you a list of things that need repair.

That's the year of 2020. I am literally in the middle of nowhere, I feel that sudden sense of fear that I am lost. I pull over and look at the map- it doesn't help because it is aligned to someone else's interstate. How can I keep it in gear and keep traveling in a sensible direction when I have no idea where I am?

I do not live in a world of straight, unblemished lines. Solid, study stripes of clarity and focus. Rather I exist in a place of dashes, dots and squiggles- each still somewhat directional, still hopeful, but also distracting and discombobulating. I am functioning in a state of fits and starts. A lack of momentum. Inertia is good, it forces us to problem-solve, but I feel a lack of it lately.

I have plenty of arrows in my mental quiver. But, I seem to be pulling back my bow too frequently and releasing them in every which direction. I seem to be emptying my quiver before I have a chance to take aim and find the bulls eye. Find my direction. Find my target- that being quieting my mind and finding my coordinates.

I am in a pursuit of purpose. Do I post, do I Tweet? Do I write and share? Do I retreat? Do I chat? Do I read? Do I watch movies and shows that move me? How should I react? How should I respond? Do I do either? I am spinning, trying to connect the dots, the dashes, the squiggles. But they are eluding me. Migraines and melancholy somehow always seem to find me though.

Purpose is personal. Each arrow we possess is weighted for our own need. Most days we find our direction. We see our target and our bow finds its mark. But these days- I am not finding my center. It all feels like disintegrating brake pads. That in the near future, I won't be able to stop and I will smash into a tree. The same tree meant for my arrow to connect me with.

I am in a pursuit of purpose. The important thing, within all of this uncertainty- to keep writing about it, talking about it, letting myself feel it. Get my brakes checked and to take the time to make all the updates to my vehicle. It won't be an easy fix, or a quick one- but it will be worth it. Then maybe the lines will become more uniform and the highway more inviting. And, my mindset more calm and focused.