Out Breath: Being Merciful to Myself (172)

I am a mindful person. I also suffer from cynical optimism. There is guilt and growth, awareness and mindfulness floating around me, all wrapped up tight in faith and hope. I cry and punch my fists in the air, with outrage and awakening, but at the end of the day, after reflection and acknowledgement, I rest with a blanket of belief and positivity. I seek to understand my short-comings- but before I can, I must accept my ignorance.

Before I can make a positive change, I have to take on the weight of my hidden ideology, my hidden misconceptions, especially those I possess regarding myself. I am white, and I was raised in a world of privilege. I, like many have been programmed with a level of thinking and it is going to take some deprogramming to combat it. It is a privilege programming. Not necessarily a socio-economic privilege, but a privilege none the less. 

A few weeks ago, if you told me I have racist thoughts in me, I would deny it. I would have been offended and hurt. Our programming is in us, and prejudice finds its way to us, unfortunately. But, having to take a long look at my thought process, my inward dialogue, my view of the world- these last few weeks, thankfully, I recognize that there is. That I have been denying a sense of entitlement and privilege, that I have been carrying around with me all these years.

I have to me merciful towards myself. I am not an outward spoken racist. I am not racist. I do not involve myself with any group that is. But I was raised white and with that upbringing, there was instilled in me, certain behaviors and mental blockages, that I know I have to dismantle. I have to out breath and accept my ignorance. Acknowledge my blind spots and misconceptions.

As a teacher, I have taught just about every nationality, culture, and race. I have had beautiful classrooms of students all loved and appreciated by myself. But, with the out breath must come a long look at my teaching practices. I have to ask myself- did I ever react or respond in a racist way? Not verbally, never. But, did I treat any one of my students differently, because of where they are from, their background, their race? I know I have, because again, I have corners of my mindset I tend not to address.

Of course, I want to believe I did not. I want to believe I have never done anything that could be construed as anything but antiracist. But I know in my heart it is inevitable that I did. Being antiracist means being aware not only of my outward actions, but my inward dialogue. Taking stock in my past behaviors and looking for ways to alleviate anything that I may do that causes a disparity in learning or growth.

This is so tied together with mindfulness and those of you who know me, know my passion and teaching is intertwined with mindfulness. But is mindfulness enough? No. Not if I do not live antiracism too. The two must combine and direct my thoughts and mindset every day. It is not enough to be kind and attentive, I must also be deeply aware of bias and judgment that may sneak into my classroom.

I have heard many people say recently, that antiracism means changing policy, changing circumstances that alienate and isolate any group of people. Mindfulness means being aware of your actions and impact on those around you. It is kindness and generosity but also empathy and understanding that leads to change.

Together mindfulness and antiracism then, to me means, showing yourself grace. Loving yourself and believing in yourself enough to say- I have been racist in the past. Not cruel or outwardly destructive but subtly my actions were steered, by an ingrained privilege that was bestowed upon me at birth.

Now I am not privileged in many ways. I am a women, I have Dyslexia and other learning disabilities. I am not wealthy or super popular, successful, or influential but that does not matter. It is not comparative. It is not important. I have to accept that being white, made my life what it is. This is a hard pill to swallow, but it is a necessary one, in order for me to me mindfully anti-racist.

I can not let guilt take over. I have to be a cynical optimist. Know in the depths of my spirit, that I can change the way I think. Listen to the uncomfortable dialogue from others as they find their footing in the stream of change. I believe in myself enough to say this, right now in this blog: I am not perfect, and I know I have to change the way I think in order to be a more mindful and make a positive impact.

Mindfulness has been my daily practice for along time. Meditation and reflection a daily routine. I once thought that being kind and mindful was enough. But, after listening intently to many conversations as of late- I know it isn’t. I know that I need to be more active in my pursuit of awareness and positive action.

Kindness and mindfulness are a beautiful way to shape my mental world. They steer me into more positive situations. They introduce me to like-minded, insightful people. But it will be the integration of anti-racism into my daily, rituals- my morning intentions, daily mantra’s and moment to moment check-in’s, that will change me as a person and an educator.

Mindfulness is not a permanence. It is a stream that ebbs, flows, and meanders. There are rapids that need extra attention. Leisurely floating that allows time for peaceful travel. But there is also a constant requirement of attention, or your inner tube or kayak just might capsize. It is awareness, action and acceptance of any shortsightedness, so you can tackle it.

The same is true for anti-racism. It is going to take vigilance and determination to focus on an awareness and understanding, of what it means to be anti-racist. To make sure how I teach is more inclusive, equitable and collaborative- but also mindful, anti-racist and safe. Safe to have the meaningful, important and sometimes uncomfortable conversations, that come from a truly inclusive classroom.

It all begins with mercy. With acceptance of my privilege. With a trust in myself that I know I am a good person. I just have a few blind spots that I have been too keen to ignore, before recent days. If we do not trust ourselves, love ourselves and see that we are capable of changing the way we think, change will never come. We must embrace the out breath and be merciful to ourselves.