I had a debate with a student a few months back- it was excruciating. He was arguing something that appeared to me to be absolutely ridiculous. Something I had no interest in whatsoever. But, it was the beginning of my -"listen you fool and take heed, they will never trust you if you don't," campaign. So I listened, actively, for what felt like an eternity.
Then the debate became more fruitful, we had a meaningful argument- one he still remembers and mentioned in his farewell email.
This got me to thinking. As he was laying out his case, I was picking up on his tactics, strategies and tells. The comments meant to get my goat, the ones meant to make me empathize, sympathize and for him to epitomize his plight.
Since then, I have paid a lot of attention to the details and design of my own children's arguments. They, low and behold, had similar tactics and tells. And thus, a blog post arose.
Tactics and Tells
If you play poker, you know everyone has a tell. A twitch, rapid eye movement- something that reveals their next move. Whether its based on anxiety or overconfidence- they give off a visual pheromone. It's palapable.
As educators, we have one too. Ranging from a subtle eye roll up to a ferocious cackle. Students know what we are thinking, we don't need words. We have tactics and strategies to try and combat these tells, especially once we identify them. But, alas, they remain.
If we are arguing- productively and purposefully or pointlessly and indignantly-we have that moment, where we know we have lost, and they know they have won. Our proverbial wall. Where disagreement is no longer meaningful.
How can you possibly win an argument with a child? Honestly, you can't. All you can do is shut it down, with a succinct and inevitable "hard no." They feel your lack luster response, you feel the wind leave your sails.
As adults, we more often than not, just force stop it. Why do we do this? When we are tired- our go to response is often, "Because I said so." I hated it when I was a kid, and kids still hate this response today.
Why can't we allow the time for a healthy argument with a student or with our own children? Are we afraid we will lose? Are we too busy to stop and allow our children to form a foundation for fruitful debate?
We have tactics we use, we look for patterns, we recognize repetition, we observe the tells. We decide the fruitfulness of the battle. We see the field movement, the realignment of troops.
We come to terms with the futility of conflict, often without even a shot over the bow. Maybe we need to let the first skirmish take hold.
Strategies and Game Plans
These tactics, careful planning, conceptual actions, fundamental movements and shielding- all lead us to an understanding of our opponent. But for some reason, we like to argue with adults, but debating with a child seems like a waste of time, for many.
I have resolved myself with the beauty of debate and have been listening to more of my students and my own children's argumentative tendencies. I force myself to hear them out. This, my friends, is the basis of a strong relationship.
Wisdom of failure and defeat help us strategize. It also helps them strategize.
It helps everyone develop an intricate arsenal and siege mentality, so we can ambush when necessary, retreat if required or stand our ground, when it is essential to our argumentation. We use tactics and strategies all day long.
We are strategists- anticipating the enemy: complacency, boredom, fatigue, anxiety.
In our classrooms we are observers, pro-activists, collaborators and mercenaries. We refuse to raise the white flag and we will be the last man standing, no matter what. This is our strategy. We often, just shut them down, for the sake of order.
Our tactics should be: listen, observe, stay silent and allow for a bit of dissension in the ranks.
Arsenals and Cache's
Daily tactics and strategy- like rituals and routines shape us. Guide us. Allow us to identify our tells and the tells of others. So our communication skills are strengthened, our listening skills are heightened and our actions are more fruitful, mindful and meaningful.
We have to allow for a loss or two. To be outnumbered, outranked, outmaneuvered. We have to let our walls down. To listen with an open-mind, no matter how juvenile, the argument may sound.
Their opinions are valid, we need to actively respect them. Not simply, listen. But, engage.
Hear them out, but don't make judgement, if their tactics are less honed than ours.
The more time we provide our students and children to form ideas, formulate an argument and debate- the more they will listen to us, when we are saying our opinions and reasons.
For the simple fact that we are building a level of trust, and that -is the ultimate tell.
Love this. Thank you.
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