The Cantankerous Side of Covid (115)

If you read my blog or follow me on Twitter, you know- I believe in mindfulness, positive vibes and kindness. I believe in awareness of oneself and reflection. I pause a lot to make sure I respond calmly rather than react with negativity. I see the good in people.

I repeat a positive daily mantra- I set optimistic and realistic intentions every morning- I am very in tune with my emotions and social interactions. I reflect a lot.

But, recently- I have been noticing my mood swings. The littlest of things frustrates me. I have to spend a lot of time in a quiet place, to meditate and contemplate. I have been unnerved by my short-temperedness.

I have been keeping a small note pad with me throughout the day and I have been recording instances where I mentally- well to be honest, lose it. After each one I wrote a strategy to temper my inner temper.

Now I haven't been taking it out on other people, too much- my awareness and patience, in that regard is in tact. A few snarky comments here and there. But, my overall positive demeanor seems to have taken a hit. I have been isolating myself more. Because, I have been agitated and quick to stress.

Going into the grocery store the other day, seized my mindfulness very quickly. I usually take a simple outing in stride, but this excursion was different. It felt not my neighborhood. It felt like an alternative reality, where everyone walked, shuffled more like, beneath a dark cloud of uncertainty. Not the usual, steady as she goes, energy of my residence.

I was anxious and hyper-vigilant, leery of those around me. I didn't smile, I didn't say hello to anyone. I just kept my head down and moved quickly through the store. I got frustrated when people were in my way. I picked up on every negative comment people were dishing out.

My mind was screaming. My cordiality became caution. I, for the first time since this whole thing started- hated being outside my house. It scared me, not because of Covid, but because I deal with things, very well generally. This time, I shut down, I didn't handle it well at all. I came home physically and mentally exhaused.

Now I am not afraid to get sick. I am healthy.

It's something deeper. A stress that took me a few weeks to identify and quantify. The disquiet foreboding, of disruption and disturbance. An unconventionality, that has left me unsettled. I feel like the other shoe is going to drop any minute. Not the Covid loafer, but the humanity sneaker.

Depression and anxiety come in many forms. Some are loud and clear- they scream at you. "Take heed, you need to take stalk of your situation." But, others are quiet, sneaky and let's face it ninja like. They take hold and drain us of our joy, long before we see them in the shadows lurking.

I guess the mercenary of Covid has caught up with me. But, I see you Covid anxiety. I am on the defense now. I have a plan.

Step 1- acceptance.
Step 2- work the problem.
Step 3- take responsibility for your struggle
Step 4- iron out a solution, at least a plan, to combat the problem

It has taken me a few weeks to reach step 4. Writing about my anxiety, unplugging, not watching the news, getting outside in small chunks of time, watching positive shows, reading great books, drawing, and especially hanging with my family playing board games- has gotten me there.

Now this isn't a solution. It's ironing out one. There isn't a quick fix. Plenty of band-aids and tourniquets- but ultimately, all I can do is triage right now. This is a slow to return. The cantankerous side of Covid is that all of us, are feeling the challenge of mindfulness and appreciation.

The most important thing we can do though- for ourselves and humanity is to stay aware. To be generous, appreciative and kind. To forgive the snide comments and rudeness of others, because they are entering, or are residing in the cantankerous zone too.

Now some people are just plain trolls- just plan mean. Forgive them too. For when this is all over and we have time to reflect, on our behavior, theirs will be remembered. Make sure yours, reflects well on you. We are all human, and we all have very long memories.

Don't let the cantankerous side linger too long- it will grasp, tug you down, and sink you- but the buoyancy of mindfulness is a powerful tool indeed. Just listen to yourself, recognize the signs and set a plan in motion.