In Development (44)

There is a term they use in the film business- in development. It does not mean it is being made, but rather, the rights have been purchased to make it and a writer is on board. When we hear the word development, it makes us think, whatever it is, it's in the works, it is being structured and built. I know when I use it, in the general sense, that is what I mean. I use it to embody the notion that I am in progress of creating it.

But, I like this interpretation- not necessarily under construction and the blue prints might not even have been drawn yet- but the idea is gestating. There is an incubation period for me, before I write. Before I create a lesson. I have to mull things over before I commit. The idea has to ripen and mature. If I jump in too early, I lose the momentum. There are necessary steps to follow before I get the pie. Even more if I want it a' la mode.

There is always inertia at the beginning that I have to overcome.

Once the idea maturates, thoughts often come rapidly, jumbled. I have to sort. Lots of sorting. But man, when there is a gem, it shines bright, sparkly, almost blinding. It resonates so loudly, I lose sight of everything else. Then, I am in development. Sometimes I go days, no glittering jewel, months, no round, gold, glistening prize. Just pyrite and zirconium. They aren't the real thing, in other words.

The only way I can find the treasure map- is to go back to the development stage. For me, when I try to get away from the personal- my words fall flat. When I try to create something, that does not echo my true self, it enters fuzzy and out of focus. It just doesn't, as my grandmother used to say, "sing and if it doesn't sing, its not your song to dance to." I use this saying in a lot of my life choices. I hold up different blouses, "if they don't sing." I put them both back. If a classroom activity, doesn't "sing loud for all to hear," I trash it and come up with something that does.

I am the same with blogs- I will delete the entire blog if it feels tone deaf. I have tossed out whole blogs/stories, for that reason. I know if I don't, I will spend hours trying to salvage them. If I feel in my gut, they have no melody, then no matter the rework, they just won't 'sing'. So I hit delete. I save phrases and words but let the rest go. Then a few weeks later I will pull those out and give it another go.

I am in development, always. I rarely settle until I am amidst the action. I tweak on my feet, mid lesson. I just can't let finality come- it alludes me all the time. That does not mean I don't finish stuff. I do all the time- I am obsessed with closure. I just can't seem to start a conversation with finality- it ignores me when I wave my hands. So, I tend to keep moving, ever closer to the elusive, it's done.

There is always inertia near the end that I have to overcome.