Tuesday, July 24, 2018

The What The's.....


Why?

I have sharp memories of wanting to be a teacher. Lining up my dolls and stuffed animals at the foot of my bed, teaching them math and science. I see it clear as day. I knew when I was in Kindergarten that teaching was a calling, it was not for profit, of course, but for the sheer joy of being heard, sharing ideas and building relationships. I didn’t have friends growing up, I was bullied. My dolls and plush companions were my friends and they paid attention, they appreciated me. As a child I learned very quickly to change my definition of a victory- the little things needed celebrating too. I recognized a strength in myself, a resolve. I knew I would have the talent, I was a hard worker, but would I have the stomach for it? Education is not an easy profession, this I knew instinctively. But, it is one of the most fulfilling. Education is what I needed, what I longed for. A field I could do well in and excel at, but also continue to grow and challenge myself in.

There is a narrowing, simplification of things as you get older. Things you no longer have the time or inclination to do. We place a lot of trust in ourselves and surrender to the inevitability, that there are expectations placed upon us: parenthood, job security, marital compatibility or the single life, etc. These responsibilities, societal norms, they shape our outlook, but they do not control it. We string together Hail Mary passes and cautious moderation, and everything in between, we learn to self-message and self-govern. We welcome the merciful failures and A-Ha moments. We lean in and beckon- the what the’s- those moments where the lacquer thins, the shininess fades and things become raw, real, gritty. We are always heavy with the fear the pilot light will go out, yet we continue to use the stove top. We become accustomed to comparisons and degradation. We see strength in others and feel self-doubt and insecurity, but we always persevere- why? We are educators and deep in our psyche are those crisp, articulated memories of why we took this path. We see our dolls and plushies and remember our purpose.

When?

There are "helmers", those that we admire, take the lead, shout from the roof tops. They control their narrative. We travel miles in the saddle, we accept public failure, we become inoculated against negativity and criticism. No matter what we do- there will people who are allergic to us. But there are others, who will light us up, with their positivity and appreciation. We need to grip things less tightly and be comfortable with the recognition, either way it is beneficial. What people hate about us, might be one of our outstanding qualities. We can let education become a personality trait, but we can’t let it be our everything. We can’t let ourselves become tone deaf or blind to other things. We must keep our hearts open and our minds clear, to draw in the new ideas and strategies that swirl around us daily.

A small part of me, becomes amplified. The teacher voice becomes electrified and energetic. Temporarily I am a "helmer", but I quickly retreat, because the sheer volume of greatness around me, needs me not to participate, but to simply absorb. My illusion of education is punctured. A course correction occurs. When I think of what other people are thinking about me: what I type, write, express, I become paralyzed. I hover above myself, looking for every mistake, every weakness. To remain robust and sustainable, however, I must take risks, stay involved in the conversation. As humans, our minds cling to what we know, it is a safe place. But we are story tellers and we can’t share our insight without experiences, good or bad.

How?

Being a writer and sharer, a voice of change, involves risk. In the great novels of our time- characters experience pain, they struggle through obstacles and challenges, they endure their microcosm and eventually exit, out into the macrocosm of life. We become disinterested in the story, very quickly if they don’t have these aspects, these hurdles. So, if we love these themes in books and movies, why do we fear them so much in our own lives? Growth seems like a very scary thing, until we change, conquer our demons. There are no punishments only consequences, for our choices. There is no subterfuge, only self-doubt. We must formulate our educational mandate and keep to our artistic and academic purpose. It is like an itch, you are trying to scratch, but discover is not on the surface. It is under layers of skin, internal, unreachable. This is our story. Internal, ingrained, irritating enough to get us to pay attention to it. It is only quenched, when we look at it head-on, each doll, each plushie, remembering why we are here. The undeniable yearn that only educators feel.

When we feel exhausted, feel inadequate against those "helmers" who lead the march. We must not surrender but gain momentum and climb on the horse. Rest on the saddle, that is of our design. We are all unique, some of us may want to be on the front lines, others in the infantry, defending the archers. While some, in their classrooms are victorious, waving their flags high and mighty, on the battlefield, they need to be the archers. Those taking aim and hitting a bulls-eye from the fringes. Each player is a part of the larger campaign. To hold our positions is key, to who we are.

We are story tellers, adventurers, narrators and each of us has a perspective, personality and pivot that keeps our stories personal and ever progressing. We need to know that the shelves are not full of just Science-Fiction or Historical Drama’s, but every genre imaginable, in every language and point-of-view. Some have villains and monsters, while others have dragons and princesses. But, all of them have characters. Be yourself, be in control of your narrative and I am certain, others will want to read it.




1 comment:

  1. Wow! This is really powerful! Thank you for being brave enough to share- you.

    ReplyDelete

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