How Often? (132)

A week has not gone by that I don't remember. It's a part of coping. Eventually coping becomes normal. The trauma of something eventually becomes a shadowed memory- like a dark spot on the horizon. I focus on today, but yesterday creeps in.

When it does its not light and optimistic, like the Beatles so eloquently wrote about. Things over-take the memory. There are pressing matters at hand here. Managing the work load, taking care of family, trying to stay positive and productive during this time.

Yet, through the consistency- bygone peaks its head in. Tap, tap- I find myself looking over my shoulder a lot, half expecting to see an illusory figure staring back at me. I notice every ailment- headache, sour stomach, muscle cramp. The precursory maladies of stagnancy and isolation.

How often do I just relax? Almost never. Unless it is an event, like Mother's Day where I am distracted and surrounded by my family- playing games and conversing. I generally am working on school stuff, reading, or writing and as I try to remain on task- the tap, tap of vague melancholy, always seems to be there.

How often am I depressed? Rarely. It's punctuated equilibrium for me these days, but I spend a large amount of time in good spirits. I am cheerful and buoyant- staying afloat, above the undercurrent. I feel encouraged that things will get better- but jittery and worried, about the time frame on which we will get back into our classrooms with our students.

How often am I outside of my home? During the day, about once every two weeks do I go into a grocery store. Most days and evenings, I take a drive to and from, picking up my children from work. I like to sit in the car and feel the cool breeze on my face. I like to see cars driving by, sometimes people at the park. It gives me a sense of 'life goes on.' "Ob la di ob la da," as the Beatles say.

How often do I lose it? About once a week I have to just lie on the floor of my closet and cry. Let it all out. I give myself the 15 minutes to pity party and feel sad. Feel outraged and frustrated. Accept the struggles that are going to befall me in these next months. Then I shake it off and carry on with my day. I let it be.

How often do I procrastinate? A lot. One would think with this supposed free time, that I would have plenty of it, to get every thing done. I just don't. Some days it all seems overwhelming and I shy away from responsibility. Some days I look for the 5-minute favor, or ten-minute consolation. Others, I just isolate. It's hard to tell when I wake up which kinda day I will have. Sometimes "Blackbird" is my song of choice. But, I prefer "Across the Universe."

How often do I set goals? Every day. I make lists, lots of lists. I say morning intentions, write my daily mantra. I listen to good music to lift my spirits. The Beatles always helps. 80's music is a welcome beat I jam to when I am writing. Some ABBA and New Order to get the blood pumping.

I read a good book. I write a blog post. I have a routine. How often to I complete my daily goals? Every day. Its the forethought that matters. I have to meditate first, then reflect on my mindset, then set reachable goals. I need a list of things, I can achieve every day. This keeps me positive.

How often do I blog? Every day. How often do I reflect? Everyday. How often do I look myself in the mirror and give myself a pep talk? Not as much as I should.

I think its important to face your demons. Sometimes the demon is ourselves. Sometimes we don't take care of our mental half, come to think of it, out physical half either. But it is so important, more than ever, that we do. The demon can only survive if we are neglectful and ambivalent.

Like in an emergency on an airplane- it is important we put on our own oxygen mask first, before we can help others do the same. However we accomplish that- is personal.

Exercise, arts and crafts, writing or any other of the thousands of outlets we read about in social media. It doesn't matter what it is- as long as we do it, how often? That depends on you.

Brick and Mortar Schools are Essential for the Future (130)

A bit of a rant coming...I apologize in advance. If you do not want to read about why brick and mortar schools are critical to our society- why we must not be resolved to a place of remote learning- stop reading now.

I know we are supposed to stay positive, stay optimistic, remain calm. I know we are supposed to follow directions, have a meaningful discourse and stay open-minded.

But a little bit of skepticism, productive pessimism and rational negativity can actually be helpful these days.

Not everything will work out the way we expect or desire. People will act differently, some angrier and more rudely. Some will hide away their feelings and end up in a deep state of depression. We must keep talking about the emotional results of this quarantine and isolation.

There is a blanket of hope that is comforting- but it is also heavy. A thick quilt, laden with a sense of blindness, for some, as to what we have to do.

We can't lose the essence of why we created brick and mortar schools.

We have to accept that school won't look like it did. I have been reading many articles all with different predictions: no more extra-curricular activities like band and athletics, staggered days and times (alphabetical school), or all on-line classes.

That is just some suggestions, from people who don't truly understand the nature of education. For some reason politicians think they know what's best for our students. They don't.

I have spoken to many parents and none of them want on-line learning. They want the social aspect of school, a much needed component, of a worthwhile education. If we remove band, athletics and extra-curricular clubs, we will be harming millions of students.

We will be stunting their emotional and social growth. Removing the stage for them to excel in other ways, than books and memorization of facts.

If we remove the face to face aspect of education, we will be preventing a connection, so ingrained in our profession. The community building, team collaboration, and interactive component, of learning will be halted.

Students might get information from distance learning, but no matter what we design into remote education- the essence of teaching, the joy of learning, the cooperative nature of academia, will be lost.

Schools were designed to be places of growth and possibility. An environment where students and educators, can find their passion, become great at it, in fact. To have opportunities to thrive and compete.

To make mistakes, fall flat on their face- and have mentors and coaches, help them bounce back. To have a teacher give them feedback and let them reflect on their performance.

Schools are more than desks and chalkboards. They are a visual, reciprocal, collective.

Classrooms, playing fields and concert halls- all merging into a world where students feel independent and driven. Where they can be social, make mistakes and leap forward, in their confidence and learning skills.

I know some say, students will be safer if they stay home. To avoid the virus, I see this perspective. But, at some point we have to return. We can't fear getting sick for the rest of our lives. A year off will be detrimental.

Some say, if we go solely to distance learning, students won't have to endure teasing or the fear of not fitting in. But, when they get stuck in a quagmire of adversity, most come out the other side, better for it. I was a victim of bullying and it was awful- it sucked. But, I am stronger for it. I survived.

I know tragedy has also befallen many schools and this aspect, we can't control. We can't control many aspects of our lives. But we continue to go to the store, take road trips and fly across the country.

But, to close down all schools, just in case, I feel would be catastrophic to society. I think it would cause such a shift, in the lives of our children, it would be felt for generations.

I will not elaborate on that, I will just say- brick and mortar education is what makes our country great. Schools are the arena for challenging adventures, that lead to self-awareness and motivation.

Brick and mortar schools are where students learn to problem-solve, critically think and above all else- form their sense of self. Not every experience is a fond one. Life is not always fair. Its not always easy.

Life is not always fun. But growth comes from the challenges life presents us with.

We often have to endure the struggle and setbacks - the failures and over-achievement nature, of our personal aspirations. Yet as adults, we can look back and realize it is what shaped us.

It's the only thing we talk about- the news cycles are endless, the pundits are shouting from the rooftops- all eager to please the masses of voters who don't understand the critical issue we are facing. It is not just the virus.

It is a societal shift away from communal events and situations.

It is not an inept response, name calling and huge changes not thought out, that will cause the biggest shift. It will be a shattering of the core of our society- Education.

Education is the foundation- the first step in how our society develops, maintains its advantage and the progression of advancements. This stems from an opportunity to learn with your peers and grow from the experience of social interaction.

Student interaction and brick and mortar schools, can not be something, that falls to the wayside because we are afraid. We need to make sure future generations are not left with a gap in social skills, and emotional challenges.

We have to make sure they are the recipients, of the most important gift, we can provide our children- a safe haven to explore, fail and grow. To discover themselves amidst others, who are facing the same struggles and challenges, on a daily basis.

A support network. Where they have experiences for self-reflection and self-awareness. A stage where they can express themselves, believe in themselves and figure out what they want to do when they grow up.

Yes, there are things we need to fix. A lot actually, but that is another conversation. What we need to do now, immediately- is keep brick and mortar schools open. We can't let them shut down and risk the decline in education, and stunting of the social emotional, academic and personal growth, of millions of children.

I know many might not agree with me. The risk might be too big. But, again, I needed to rant and hopefully paint a picture, as to why brick and mortar education is so essential to humanity.

It's the only thing we talk about these days- protecting humanity. But, we must remember the effects of such an overhaul in our societal norms. We can't protect humanity now and wait for the other shoe to fall. We need our feet firmly on the ground and our voices amplified.

Its not just our livelihood- its the lives of future generations at stake here. Brick and mortar schools are the future- not remote learning. Maybe staggered days might be the beginning of a return. But not to provide social interaction of any kind is a mistake. We just have to keep talking about that.

Be Where Your Feet Are (128)

Calm down, find yourself present and in the moment. Focus on what you can control. If you are writing, write and try to clear your head of distractions. If you are with family, be with family and try not to think about school or Covid-19, or social distancing. Minimize the mental lists you have, in constant shuffle mode, in your mind.

We are excited about possibilities- some with trepidation, others with optimism- but we are on overload. The sheer volume of great things is like an avalanche. And FOMO is contagious. We can't be high energy and productive every minute of everyday.

Like with any social media- we are generally seeing the perfect scenario, the life free from any blemishes. There is amazing stuff happening, and we can't always participate. We often don't have the same opportunities to do so. So we feel inadequate.

Most people do not share their flaws or sadness. Yet, we all feel them. We choose to share the positive feelings. We all have those too. We are circling in a vortex of Pinterest perfect, Twitter terrific, Facebook fabulous. We feel less than. But we are not. We are us, and that is never less than.

 Those events are elsewhere. We are here. We need to be where our feet are. We need to manage our expectations, especially the ones we make for ourselves. We are in a strange time where enthusiasm is like punctuated equilibrium- we get peaks of it, then level off for a while. 

I want to be that perfect social media image of a superhero. Yet, most of us, are what I think of myself as, a quest seeking druid, who does not have unlimited powers. But who does have a great map. And a great napsack of tools.

Being everything to everyone is impossible. Being focused and balanced 24/7 is impossible. 

I have a perfectionist streak and I let the pressure build, until it pops at the corners, leaving me exhausted and stressed out. Because I do not live up to what I think, others expect me to be. In reality, no one is expecting- only I am acutely anticipating. Its draining and taxing. Tiresome in fact.

I have decided to find something small and relatively inexpensive, to focus my energy on. Other than the many tasks I am required to focus these days. School at the forefront. We have two weeks left of school. 

I used to collect tea post and snow globes. I do have a hefty collection, but somehow- I lost interest. Yesterday I picked up my nesting dolls, a student gave me last year, as I was cleaning out my classroom. They were shoved to the back of a shelf, they got lost for a bit. They were dusty, but inviting. I just stared at them and stacked them for a few minutes.

I allowed myself to just be in the moment. To notice every detail in the etching. Feel the grains in the wood. Feel the thickness of the paint. Notice the fine differences between each piece. I was hooked. I am going to start collecting them. I did a search on Amazon and eBay and am amazed at how many different styles there are. I can’t wait to compile a list.

Yes, another list. I make lots of lists- it’s the stability in my world. It helps me find my feet. Often I am not mentally, where my feet are. I can’t watch TV without thinking about school. I can’t read a book without thinking about writing. The list goes on. Yup, another list.

But, after staring at the nesting dolls- I realized something. Be where your feet are- whether you are the smallest doll or the largest, stacked inside or on display- make sure you are present. Make sure you are with your friends and family. Make sure you are in the moment, because when you are, the universe tells you amazing things.

The Great Wave (126)

                                                           The Great Wave off Kanagawa- Hokusai

I have a poster of this famous print, hanging on my wall. Right next to the desk I have been sitting at for endless hours, working with students, attending Zoom meetings, etc. I stare at it a lot. The small details, little carvings and etches all combining into a beautiful portrait of the ocean, a mountain and boats of seafarers.

It reminds me of the tumultuous, tidal circumstance I find myself in. One not of my making or under my control. Crest and plummet. I wake up, out of sorts, desperately looking for some kind of normalcy that has long since sunk to the bottom. Like a ship wreck that wont be discovered for a century.

I feel out of control. In constant struggle to gain my bearings. I sit, feeling idle, but my mind is turbulent and riotous- the energy is clamorous and agitated. A constant slosh, causing headaches and fatigue.

I have mountains to climb, but I need to focus on just one- Fuji in this case. I need to stand tall and formidable, in the face of doubt and fear. I need to be a focal point for positivity, amidst the chaos. A visual peak, now snow capped and beautiful, still and permanent- a reminder I am seen and appreciated.

If I do not find my center- I might just capsize. The two boats, in this artwork are crowded with sailors, oars at the ready, to steer into the wave, to ride its torrent. They are working together, unified in solving a problem- to stay afloat and upright in the storm. Collaboration and support, keeping the raft moving forward.

The wave has finger-like characteristics, almost scratching at the sky, ready to claw at the ocean current. Ominous, yet beautiful. Welcoming. Mist, foam and bubbles- make me feel calm somehow, with repetition of shape, color and shadow. Playful, in the doom of a rolling, falling, teeming ocean crash.

The juxtaposition is alluring. It keeps catching my eyes throughout the day. I close my eyes and imagine myself, wet to the core, oar in hand- paddling and surviving. I smell the salt and feel its bite, as it slaps my frozen face. I watch as the wave transforms itself into a giant sea monster, hungry and irritable.

I focus on the sound. That bellow from the sea floor that rumbles more than it collides. An unearthly moan of warning. If I let the depths rise, they will swallow me. But, if I keep leaning into the uncertainty, have faith that everything will be okay, it will be.

It is all a matter of determination- keep paddling. Overcoming fear- see the giant waves as a creature to lift me above the storm, rather than a monster to sink me beneath it. I keep my eyes on Fuji- permanence, tranquility, mother natures beacon.

Then I open my eyes, pull back my thoughts and stare at the story of a tsunami, both scary and captivating. And, slowly the world seems calmer, the giant wave of reality, feels less dangerous. I take this journey once a day, because it reminds me to stay in the moment- don't let the little waves become giant ones.

The ocean is vast, currents are fluid and constant. It is inevitable that I will have to endure a flood every now and again. Especially where I live. Buckets and umbrellas. Paddles and safety vests. But, I enter the storm because, its not going away any time soon.

Student Perspective on Learning- A Visionary Approach for Co-Op Learning (124)

Emotional self-awareness is a tall order for us to ask of students. It’s hard enough for adults. Yet, we somehow expect for them to sit quietly and pay attention. To collaborate respectfully. To actually want to work in groups, walk around and complete station activities. To take notes, even though, for some this is downright painful.

1-      “I miss mindfulness lessons, it made me feel connected. It made me more self-aware of my actions.”

2-      “I hate stations, they are just book work and quick activities that we could do at our desks. I would rather design my own stations.”

We set time limits, grade values, the pace is not self-guided but prescriptive. The letters, numbers and percentages are based on rubrics and acquaintance, rather than co-ownership and growth. I know I create some interesting activities for them, but a lot of them, after reflection and student response, still fall into what they describe as the 'mandatory and defined' category.

1-      “I like to have some kind of directions but when the end product is identical to the table next to mine- it feels less fun because we no longer have ownership of what we are making.”

2-      “Rubrics are important, but we should be able to ‘create’ our own based on what we want to create as a project.”

Some activities that I thought were too easy or simple- they loved because they could use them as a foundation to go deeper. I was so busy making sure they were having fun, I forgot to watch and notice, that they were learning beyond the scope of Playdoh, Jenga and Lego. They were in fact using these tools as starting points to further adventures.

1-      “I love using toys and things from my childhood, the nostalgia puts me in the moment of learning because the familiarity of it, makes it a challenge to think of some new purpose.”

2-      “Starting simple is good- it creates the outline, so we can decide which quest to take. If we have options, we will never end up in quite the same place as our classmates.”

I was seeing them at the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, when they were diving beneath it to get to its underbelly. The base, floor and undercarriage of their learning. While other lessons, I thought were challenging and creative, students felt were contrived and hokey. It’s all a matter of perspective.

I am great at reflection. I am great at asking the right questions to stir their imagination. What I found out, after asking the questions I did in my survey, is that I get blinded sometimes by the 'fun factor.' Sometimes I look for shiny bobbles and candy canes, when all they need are the scissors and wrapping paper.

1-      “I appreciate that you ask for a lot of reflection. I like that you want our input. But maybe before we start a project you could ask us if it sounds valuable or if not, how could we tweak to make sure it is.”

2-      “We don’t always need the flashy stuff, sometimes data graphs and charts is a good thing for us to analyze.”

We have a makerspace, they love it. A 100% technology free center I call- Digits over Digital. I love for them to get messy. Messes mean their brains are working. If we contain the mess, we contain the imagination. But, cleaning up is a big part of the process too. Putting things back in their bins is when they discover things they missed, they discover new tools for future use.

I need to remember- less is more. Keep the goal simple, concise and creative. Leave plenty of room for them to co-own, even co-op the assignment. It is kind of amazing to see what they design when I leave them alone and hope for not expect, only one thing - their 'something.'

1-      “The makerspace is a creative spot where I look things over and imagine the possibilities.”

2-      “Sometimes drawing works too, 3D doesn’t necessarily mean better.”                           

3-      "The act of cleaning up sometimes inspires me to do something new."

I forget this sometimes, I too can be a perfectionist, I like precise expectations on things sometimes, maybe because its easier to grade. Maybe its easier to chart growth. But I have to let go of that.

There is a misalignment, in what I think makes my classroom fun and what my students actually value. The things I thought were tedious, they seem to find merit in. I have a compulsion to make it right.

To align assignments that are meaningful and purposeful for me- but also useful, appreciated and beneficial for my students. It is not an easy thing to do with curriculum standards, pacing guides and weekly lesson plan formats- but it can be done.

1-      “I like the pace of the class. You keep it moving, yet I never feel out of time. But we do have deadlines, I wish we didn’t have deadlines.”

2-      “I appreciate that grades are fluid. I wish we had more aspects of the class on-line and not just weekly discussion questions. I would prefer to do the required stuff at home and more interactive in class.”

3-      “I like how we have independent time in class, but also a lot of collaborative stuff. But I hate group work. More group interaction less group assignments would be good.”

The moment I let lessons fall into the category of what I thought was going to be fun- I lost them. I know students don’t love group work but, the extent to which they loathe it, that was a shocker. I need a revamp. Most aspects of the class they like, but some big things to reconsider, some necessary changes for next year.

It was a cold glass of water to the face in a bitter arctic breeze. Eye lashes frozen, skin blue, breath a white mist. I was woke in a big way and not a delightful one. It was painful and jarring. But necessary. You ask for brutal truth, you get brutal truth.

So now what? How can I make the changes? 

It takes recapitulation. It takes resuscitation. It takes annihilation of my personal preferences. It takes thinking about things differently. They feel unchallenged in distance learning. They miss the problem-solving, higher order thinking aspect of classroom life. 

How do I make sure when we return in the fall- that I have let go of the aspects of my classroom they found boring or trite? I must fix the cracks. I want to be better for my students.

I need to stay creative, but make sure I don't over plan. I need to let them co-op and co-own more aspects of their learning. Let them in on the process. They need the responsibility of ownership because it spawns purpose, value and interest.

1-      “Creativity is found in us too we like to do wacky stuff. The makerspace helps us think for ourselves.”

2-      “Sometimes its hard to get creative- but when you pause and get quiet and let us think for 30 minutes, it is the best gift. We like to figure things out and discover our own stuff.”

Creativity is only going to show up if, I show up looking for it. Students need the time to do the same thing, from day one. The first day of class- let them co-op the classroom. The problem is- we are often looking for creativity to fill a void in our thinking. We are trying to keep things fun and interesting but manageable. When we need to let students insert more perspective to balance the scales.

But we need to not capture creativity or curiosity– avoid trapping it in our lessons. For if we let it swirl about for students to find, it will become magnified 30 fold. For students- when we swallow up the creative process- it can feel like someone stole the stage. That the script is set with little room for ad-lib. When it should all be about the ad-lib.

After my survey, I discovered a lot about myself. I provide choice, freedom and independence but I thought I did a better job at it. But now I see I give them too much direction and guidance and that in a nutshell, blurred the lines for them. It made things feel “mandatory and defined,” when I was so desperately trying to avoid that.

Self-awareness is difficult sometimes, when we are looking for flaws, but in reality, we need to be looking for cloud cover. Shift our thinking and the fog will lift. There are many types of clouds, many layers in the stratosphere. 

It all depends on your outlook, is the storm approaching or leaving? Either way, without an umbrella, you are going to get wet. So welcome the sideways rain, getting our shoes wet makes us change them and put on warm socks. It is these footwear changes that make all the difference.

1-      “It’s hard to remember everything if I don’t have time to take notes the way I need to. I like your option of visual notes or organizers. Journal questions and Frayer models- we all learn in different ways.”

2-      “I know it takes longer when we get to choose and design our own activities, but its worth it, because when you do- it means something, that you value our opinion and that we learn to trust our instincts.”

3-      “Let your students roam, with a really long leash, we need the tether but love the wide-open space, to make mistakes and learn from them.”

A Trick the Darkness Plays (122)

I see the cliff approaching and I am on the verge, of running towards it. The precipice not a dangerous void, but a jumping off point for something else. A plummet into the crystal blue, pristine waters of something new.

The dream state replaces, nightly falling asleep bliss, where concentration eludes. Where nothing matters but letting go and drifting off to slumber.

I drifted, floated...slowly..into this spot, betwixt, between, here and there.

The rocks, leave their crevice, bits of generational stability, begin to crumble and topple down the slope. Here I stand, listening to mineral and dirt fall.

A breeze, tickles my hair against the side of my face. It feels irritatingly comfortable.

The tips of my toes, just off the ledge. Scrap the grooves. Trying to connect a tactile sensation with an auditory one. For some reason I am barefoot. Yet, I know the hike, to this height, must have been grueling shoe-less.

No need to assuage. The clarity here is like a smell, a familiarity both welcomed and haunting. Like an ear worm struggling to escape.

My toes wiggle, make contact with damp, textured soil- worms drop over the edge, sliding down with the glistening minerals. They slither as they reach the bottom, uninjured and happy to be in a new location.

This is a trick the darkness plays. The obscurity removes distraction. Subtle becomes decisive.

It becomes derisive somehow. Mockingly luminous. Every thought has a detail within this scene. Insecurity, joy, contemplation- each crisp elements, building the layers of this moment.

Dirt, rock, edge- falling, clear blue waters, unimpeded access to an action. No fear. The slip of granules becomes a plunge of gravel, then a rubble avalanche.

The side of the bluff escapes my stance, becoming bedrock and slab- tumbling into the sea.

I step back to avoid the landslide.

My escarpment has disappeared and I am surrounded by nothing. A trick the darkness plays. Nothing does not mean danger. Eclipse does not mean an absence. I do not fall, sink or descend.

I stand, water, tickling my feet.

Twilight replaced by sunrise. Oranges, yellows and pinks whisper hello. I hear them, spiraling in, settling in around me. Whispy and warm. Familiar. Reminding me of reality. Circumstances. Opportunities. Beckoning me awake.

Darkness giggles. Slowly retreating. Waving from the shadow, with a smirk.

My eyes flicker, light trickles. My dream world succumbs to a buzzing alarm. Daylight sings its daily romance. I smile. Knowing that darkness has another trick up its sleeve.

I look forward to tonight's wild ride. To the stitch in between. To the trick darkness plays.

Morning Glory, Evening Majesty (120)

Daily goal: Don't lapse into group think. Build bridges not bunkers.

Morning Glory- It's quiet, dark skies, I enjoy the silence. This is my time to abstain from news and updates. Just absorb the calm. Feel the energy of connecting with the moment. Plan the day. Certain routine, with a hint of spontaneity.

I made a list of things I can do in my house. Things I generally am to busy to do. Things I might not want to do- cleaning wise. Even things I, at one time, thought would be cool, but forgot about. I number them. Then use a pair of dice to roll and choose an adventure. This keeps things interesting.

Like the "Say Yes, Not No" philosophy to try new things- I am seeking a brain growth moment. Learning to play Chess, play Sudoku (I am not a numbers/math person) or build a shadow box/memory case. Even taking up needle point (never had the patience for it). Small doses of these things keeps me engaged. Some I put away in a box- some I put back in the the pile for another day's adventure.

Immerse in harm reduction. That is what we are told. Prevent the spread of the virus, but it is also important not to allow the infiltration of complacency and stagnancy. We can abstain from close interactions outside, but inside we need to continue to interact with new ideas and saturate our mental avenues.

Afternoon Stateliness- This is the hardest part of the day. Several hours of grading, conferencing with students, editing modules. This is the time the neighbors dog gets rowdy and starts barking incessantly. Headphones are a requirement. Nice and loud- he is 100 feet outside my office window.

Music shifts from mellow to heavy base- it helps drown out the distraction. Massive Attack, New Order, some German Industrial. Anything to get me pumped. This is the slump on most days- but in this time- even more so. I feel ambushed.

All the subtle reminders come fluttering in like sticky notes, caught in a gust of wind. Releasing from their locus- combining into a giant torrent of- clingy cognizance. Anxiety will follow me no matter where I go. It stalks its prey. Forcing my hand. The guttural beat of angst is my only defense. Distraction from the paper cuts of restlessness.

Evening Majesty- Family time. Relaxation time. The time when everything else: school, society, stress- dissipates. I play a board game, watch some TV, or just hang with my family. At least for two hours. Then everyone gets back to what they need to do. I have two school-aged children, two who work different hours throughout the day, and we have chores to get done in the house.

Then maybe some chats on Twitter. I listen to podcasts. Write. Read. Just really stay immobile for a bit. It is important to walk, in the morning. Stay active through out the day. But in the evening I kinda go dormant.

This is when I write in my journal- the days events, did I meet my goals and intentions. What I need to do tomorrow, etc. I read an article today that said- we will forget most of the specifics about quarantine. The overall event yes, but the details will fall away, much like the pain of childbirth. We remember the event, but the actual pain is forgotten.

The article says, it will be a remember when...discussion we have in the future. It will be one of big moments, not day to day memories.

But, I think the scars will run a bit deeper. We might not know why we are skittish and nervous in the future. We will assume it didn't impact us much. But most of us will forever be altered by this ordeal. Even when everything feels back to 'normal' it will always feel different, we will feel less social, especially around strangers.

It is these days, happening right now that will decide how we put the pieces back for ourselves. This is a personal journey, even with a house of six- it feels very much personal. I don't want to forget the moments I endured- that is why I keep a journal and write posts.

So when this wave subsides, I can still see every hole in the sand as it fills. Like blinking eyes glistening in the sunlight. Those holes are important- not to bring back memories of anxiety, but ones of coping and strength.

The indelible sand made from the weathering and erosion of rock, landing on our shores. A slow process, unnoticed by humanity. Yet, a continual cycle of destruction, movement and deposition. Now that is strength.