Clamor for Better (326)

The chaotic sound of many- yelling above the din. Loud. Unsettling. Ideas tunneling, climbing, stepping on one another trying to make it to the top. The ever shifting, vibrating, pile of wisp and ethereal thought. My mind is always loud. Even when I sleep. I generally wake up with a headache, too much clamor happening when I am trying to rest. Its a curse. But its also a blessing.

I never settle down, mentally speaking that is. Actively I tend to be quiet, I prefer the external skeleton of the silent shield. It encases me so my mind can unfold the possibility. I replay scenes of future endeavors in a constant state of what if. Then I adjust my thinking on the fly- constantly. I think things are going to organize themselves in one way, and as the bell rings and my students turn their gaze to me, I switch it up. I can almost see the result before the action. 

Its a slow motion teleplay of voice, movement, response. All clamoring, all with a tincture that causes my brain to stutter. To slowly, tick, tick, tick to a new flow. My flow does not have a well-grooved course. It is a constant puddle, spilling over the fold, causing new streams, in gutter and on slope. My mind is not the trickle of a gentle pour, but the rapid of a storm- both expected and prepared for. I have honed in my skill to row, and it has taken me to many wonderful destinations.

Having Dyslexia and being on the Spectrum- the colorful, exciting realm of uniqueness, has given me a paddle unlike any other. My mind is often overloaded. My mind is often frustrated. My mind leads me to feel isolated and misunderstood. But it also reminds me that thinking differently, being quirky and strange is beautiful. For creativity often peeks its glorious head, out from under a blanket of discouragement. It kicks off the sheets and steps out of bed, curious and brave, because it has to, but also because it has had a lot of practice.

So I clamor, I clamor for something different. For something better. Better learning opportunities. Better relationships. Better mindset and mindfulness. I clamor for normalcy and consistency. For strength in leadership. 

I clamor for a belief in our profession- our glorious, enigmatic, indelible, misunderstood, underestimated profession. I clamor for many things these days. But above all else- I clamor for collaboration, for classroom energy, for Zoom ba and Room ba- ba being bigger achievement on my part, on students part, on humanities part.

So I clamor. 

I clamor even in the silence. Because I want to make sure that school, learning, community whether it is on Zoom or in the Room-  is always getting better. We are in a learning curve- so steer into the curve. Hands on the wheel. Eyes scanning the landscape for those moments to heighten and challenge. Those moments to build, rise, show grace and in the end- create a classroom of problem-solvers, thinkers and doers. This is better. This is now.