At the bottom of my week's plummet, apparently rests a trampoline,
because I flew back up quickly. I never even had time to pause and reflect. I
was back in the air- searching for an alternative hobby. I hate heights- I like
my feet firmly on terra firma. So being sprung back up rapidly- it gave me a
jolt. It felt like I lost time. I was inquisitive at this new arrangement, puzzled in fact. ‘So,”
I said aloud to the universe, ‘Is this how it’s going to be from now on? Let my
mind rest for goodness sake.’ I can't continue in this- up, down, up, down- endless bounce ahead. framework.
Before the plummet, it felt temporarily, like I had won the
battle. The fatigue siege. The incoming combatants of hyperactivity, snark and
restlessness crept in the lead, however. I started to succumb to the barrage of
questions, din of spring break brain, and endless rotation of here, there and
sleep. But, my mindfulness swung high and hit frustration, out over the
bleachers. I was elated, eager, engaged in interaction and sound advice. For a
few hours at least.
Trampolines have a funny way of evening out the energy and
becoming deadened. The springs taut waiting for rebound. Pep, recoil, pep,
recoil. But, like many a rider of elasticity, we often fall off into the
hardness of reality. If nobody speaks of it, the thud- did it really happen? We
often gloss over the bruise and jump right back on. Some of us fearless. Others
hesitant. But, we get back on.
I generally wade through the
current, swimming upriver, I take on a lot. Two jobs and coaching quiz bowl. Yet, daily
my alchemizing skills are generally on point. I sense the shark trailing behind
me, but I have enough chum, to throw it off my scent. I am a master at
misdirection. I make mistakes, I have slips of the tongue, I lose interest in
what I'm doing and then remember- "Oh yeah, I have a class in front of me
right now." I get distracted and ambivalent- do you?
These are the things we don't talk about- nobody speaks of. We
mention our successes, we discuss and accept our failures or blunders but what
about our ambivalence? What about those moments, in our heads, at least, that we make judgments, we curse the world and the horse it road in on? These
inner monologues, we rarely share because we are embarrassed- horrified
sometimes, at what actually goes through our minds. If nobody speaks of them,
are we forgiven?
We tend to keep these indiscretions to ourselves, rightfully so.
If we blurted out every disconcerting idea or evil thought- we would be
institutionalized. But, I was thinking today, if we don’t face them ourselves,
listen to our inner dialogue, we will never grow as people. It is one thing NOT
to say mean things- it is quite another to NOT think them for very long. We
will think them. But we have to let them go and analyze why we had them in the
first place.
If nobody speaks of these things, will we ever truly understand
the atrocities of mankind. Will we ever face our demons? Will we ever accept
our absurd, calamity of a thought process? It is built on experience and
perception. It is solidified with practice and ambivalence. But, it is also renovated and refurbished, to our specifications. We just need to be aware
of any shoddy craftsmanship.- and have a definite blue-print to correct it.
No comments:
Post a Comment