What I do, I take adventures every day. I step into a classroom, not knowing the atmosphere or the energy. I simply try to add a piece of myself, to be honest, to be a constant listener. I believe in my students, even when they do not believe in themselves. I trust them. I do what I say I am going to do. No matter my exhaustion or doubt- If I accept a challenge, I climb mountains and dig tunnels to solve it. I remain mindful, I may get frustrated, annoyed, or even rant a little, but I quickly return to a place of zen. It is where I prefer to reside. Among the calm, focused avenues of mindfulness.
What I don't, I don't always believe in myself as much as I believe in others. I don't always take time for self-care and personal revitalization. I may meditate daily and create mantra's for focus and strength, but I don't always find a quiet place to just breathe out and center my spirit. As educators, we often focus so much of our energy on our students that we forget to mend our exhaustion and get our required hours of sleep. I don't.
What I am, I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend. I am an educator. I am a writer. I am a curious, growth-minded, searcher. Always looking for tidbits and nuggets of truth. I am a believer in voice and individuality. I am a listener of opinion and a continual architect of my own, for I know, without dissent, opposing thought and unique points-of-view, I would be lacking insight and understanding.
I am not a confident person. I write, I put out two blogs. I moderate a chat on Twitter, but every time I do, I fear no one will join and no one will read. This is why my book, has stayed inside my head and not on paper. I am not a perfect educator. I need to grow, find ways to use more technology and incorporate more ways for my students to be independent. They have a lot of freedom, but I am not a hands off educator. I need to take that journey: the path towards observation with less structure. Step back even more and let my students create more labs, activities and self-regulate themselves.
What I was, I was an awful student. Barely made it to high school, my Dyslexia made learning a struggle and I was to shy to ask for help. I was not a disruptive student, but a complacent one. I resisted change because I liked the comfortable, because I could control the familiar. I was a quiet person unless at home, where my family used to say, I had diarrhea of the mouth. I was a conundrum. I was bullied. I was misunderstood. I was a loner. I always wanted to be a teacher, because the only friends I had growing up were my dolls and stuffed animals, and those were my students, they listened and understood me and I knew, even then, that I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. I was a dreamer whose dream just happened to come true.
I can be a published author, if I trust myself to put words to paper. If I believe what I have to say will matter to someone else. I can be better to myself by believing I have something to offer. I can be more determined to share my ideas and teach at conferences. I can be the same person, stay in my lane, never grow... but I refuse to do so. I can always be more engaged, more empowered and more confident. This is my goal.
I thought nobody read my blog. I thought words on Twitter just went past on a scroll and that nobody really truly read them. I thought social media was ineffective and unnecessary. I thought teachers stayed in their rooms and kept to themselves. Now, I think this is changing. Educators are getting on social media and building digital families. Creating connections stronger than any 'wireless signal.' They are bridging gaps, solidifying ideas, conquering misunderstandings through universal ideals and open minds. I thought I was alone, but now I know educators are connected in so many ways and that they truly listen and care about one another.
I am afraid of my isolation. I often tend to go it alone. I have limitations that I have placed on myself. I also have constraints placed on me by the powers that be. I am afraid of feeling like a failure like I did growing up. I am afraid to put myself out there more than I do. To really put myself in the lime-light. Because, I am comfortable in the dimness of the outskirts. But, most of all I am afraid of succeeding because that means I have to do better, keep innovating, keep surpassing my goals. But, I am more afraid of not trying. So I always try.
What I long for is to devour my goals. To never cease taking the baby steps, because these baby steps eventually become trots, gallops and leaps. I long for a continual barrage of words and ideas that stimulate my brain and get me writing. I long for many more years of adventures: treacherous and scary, heart-pumping and terrifying and those that seem insurmountable -for those are the ones that say I choose to be uncomfortable, I shut the door at don't, I will thrive off the fear of failure because with every failure I continue to build my cobblestone crosscut and on this beaten path I see myself-What I do, What I don't, What I am, What I'm not and ultimately where I am headed next.
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