Tuesday, October 20, 2020

Dust in the Wind (295)

Little actions stick. A negative glance, even in a split moment, after the moment is gone, remains heavy. We tend to let them go. But, they cover us as if we walked through a sand storm. Even the most fulfilling days at the beach, leaves behind a grit. That remains on the floor of our cars for months to come. Like dust in the wind, our words, our facial expressions, our lack of empathy- it coats. It lingers.

Negativity is like minutes, frozen in time- reminding us that things aren't going according to plan. That we want to rule the world around us but are merely pages. We have no real power other than our mindset and outlook. These days, it feels as if optimism and positivity are difficult to come by. But, if we remain negative and pessimistic- we will bring towards us, with furious energy a weather front, charged with a powerful after effect. More negativity.

It grows exponentially. We see arbiters of chaos around us. Those whose aura precedes them. Those who can not stand the calm before the storm. They have to cause the strikes and booming thunder of discord. It is hard to stay positive when the sand seems to be burying us. But, believe me- it is dangerous not to. I am a positive person. I see the good in people. I smile. I try to bring a moment of joy to peoples lives. I am the annoying one who says hello to you when you are half awake. 

But, I have found myself trapped. Unlike dust in the wind- I am a particle sinking, forever diving deeper into the castle upon which I have build my emotional well-being. I feel negative. It feels like a sticky substance coating my hands. Everywhere I have been going- behind me- is left a residue of stay away from me. I might be stressed. I might be disillusioned by circumstances not of my choosing or doing and things taken away from me, things added to my ever growing list- but negativity is never ok. Frustration fleeting is inevitable- but harboring a layer of gloom and spreading it about- is never ok.

It has taken me a few weeks to come to terms with the fact that my attitude is on me. My frustration, sadness and disconnect might have been the effect of someone else's doing- but letting it linger and create a sense of doom in me- that is on me. I sat and meditated a long time last night. Reflecting on why. Why I am so bitter. And the reason itself is justified- but my negative outlook is not. 

I have to dive in to the positivity pool again. 

I have to dip my toes in the ocean of choice and optimism. Sand is plentiful, annoying at times too, but it is a substance used to build castles and mounds of joyful experiences. This sand, that I am now running my toes through, I take as a gift. One I can pass on. I need to take responsibility for my demeanor, my mood, my tone. I have to start new. Smell the salty, brisk mist of change. 

For it, like the tides is a daily occurrence. I have to choose to be energetic and bubbly. I have to emanate a level of optimism that is contagious. Because negativity is more so. And as of late- it has infected me deeply. I have cleansed myself of its grasp- finally. It took my focus, my desire to be better. But, I am now resolved. I am on the right path.

So my pledge to myself as of right now, as I sit in my classroom awaiting the students for first period- I will keep a smile in my heart. I will try everything, even though I could fail. Positivity is gold. Shiny and coveted. So I will share my stash- because if I can bring joy to someone today, every day, every class period- I will no longer be part of the problem, but part of the solution.

My ritual is to wear a jangly bracelet on my left wrist. I am left handed so I usually do not. But when I do, it brings focus to the sound, to the jingle, to the pledge. So jingle....jingle...



No comments:

Post a Comment

Mean Girls and Bully Pulpits (Seeing the Truth about School Dynamics)

I've been a teacher for a long time. Let's just say over two decades. In that time I've been a certified educator at a mere 4 sc...